Year in Review via Cupcakes

After I read through my year in review post I realized there were major parts of my life missing that I didn't want to forget.  Like how incredibly happy I am that I got to build friendships with all my nephews.  They are so precious!

 

  

And then there are all the cupcakes (and other baked goods) I made this year.  I don't know what it is about cupcakes specifically, but I love them.  I think for me it's the giving them away part that is the best.  The first time I made a batch in Kirkland and drove around giving them away (so I wouldn't eat them all) really got me hooked.  I loved seeing the surprise on everyone's faces.  Nothing better... maybe I should be a delivery person for a flowershop or something.  I think I get the same feeling day in and day out!

January- Alicia's Lil' Peanut Baby Shower

February- I made Kumquat cupcakes and delivered to some friends before I moved (no pictures)

March- Birthday Cupcakes for my 3 sister in-laws.  I think it's cool that they all have birthdays in March

  

July and August- I branched our with Cake Pops for Pioneer Day and a Trifle for Joie's birthday

October- Churro Cupcakes for final in Content Area Literacy

 

November- Apple Strussel Cheesecake Bites for my birthday... and then again for Thanksgiving

December- For Alina's baby shower I made Chocolate and Raspberry cupcakes

And I attempted to make Llama cupcakes for my Dad's birthday

Year in Review

I'm finally settling into my room at my parents apartment in Salt Lake City.  Life has been so full these past two weeks that I haven't unpacked until today.  As I did so I came across my green planner that my sister put in my care box she gave to me the morning I moved to Utah.  It was an awful time in my life, and she was so thoughtful to send me off with a box full of things to bring me comfort.  The note on my planner said, "To plan for your new future."  Tonight I picked up the planner and started to thumb through it.  So much has happened this year.

As the end of the year approached, my family and I had been seriously anticipating the close of this most trying year.  We talked and talked about how glad we would be to see this year end and leave us alone.  Then my Dad passed away on December 30th.  While I knew for months that my Dad wouldn't make it to the new year, it was a difficult, yet peaceful day.

I found myself on New Years Eve, eating dinner with my whole family (expect Dad) realizing I didn't feel as happy as I thought I'd be to be seeing the year end.  It meant, I'd never see my Dad for the rest of my mortal life.  It meant I'd probably never see Jeremy again.  It meant the end to so much that I loved, and while I am hopeful for the future, it was a hard realization for me.

I tried hard that night to stop reflecting on the hard things of the year and focus on all the good things that happened... there were so many.  So here's the 2011 RECAP (the good and the not so good):

January...the most stressful, trying month of my life to date.  Jeremy and I separated at the end of the month.

February...I packed up my life and belongings and moved to Utah. My awesome sister's in-law filled up my first few days back in Utah (I don't know if they did it on purpose, but it was the best thing that could have happened).  Met up with my life time friend Melanie for lunch.  Took a last minute trip to Cali to see my grandparents.  Had an awesome job interview, was offered the job, but for some reason I felt it wasn't right and turned it down.  Val and Chris graciously fly me out to D.C. to spend just over a week with them and then to Arizona to be with Megan Ruth.

March... While in Arizona, Mom calls and tells me they've found a mass in my Dad's brain.  The day I fly back we meet with the doctors and Dad is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.  My sisters come home right before surgery and I ask the amazing Justin Hackworth to take pictures while we hold a family dinner.  Best decision of the YEAR!  Spent my days taking Dad from one doctor's appointment to the next.  Dad has successful brain surgery.

April... Most days spent at home helping to take care of Dad post surgery.  Ran a 5K with Val and Chris in SLC.  Went to Melanie's baby shower.  Had my first interview with Ogden Valley Science School.  We host a HUGELY successful garage sale.

May... Ran the Provo 5K with Katie.  Attended first Rooftop Concert with Andy and Alina.  Flew to Seattle.  Spent a wonderful day with Amanda, Zoe and Alton.  Went to court the next day, upon seeing Jeremy for the first time since February, I can't stop crying.  WORST DAY EVER.  Had a lovely lunch with my Kirkland friends (I miss you all terribly)!  Flew back to Salt Lake and started my summer job as Summer Program Director for Ogden Valley Science School.

June... Moved to Eden!  Started camp and completed 3 successful weeks.  Visited my cousin, Jessica, in Bear Lake and helped with her Fight Against Cancer 5K.

Somewhere in there I planted my parents garden that Dad wanted so badly!

July... We had the BEST Smith Family 4th of July ever!  Completed 2 more successful weeks of camp.  Rob, Katie, Lincoln and Sawyer come visit me in Eden.  Threw and awesome Pioneer Day party (complete with friends from Washington who POPPED in).  Lunch with the Brough's and Dave Ullah.  Ben came from Arizona to visit me at camp in Eden.  Road trip to the Uinta's to have lunch with Dad at the trail head.

August... Finished camp and the relaxed in sunny St. George with the Burnham's.  Ran my first (and last) 1/2 marathon.  The Hartely's came to visit, we had dinner with the Burnham's.  Moved in with my little brother and family and quickly started classes at BYU.

September... Nathan came to visit just before school officially took over my life.  Dad had his first stroke, spent the night in the ER.  Had a wonderful time at my cousin's wedding.

October... Finished 2 classes, started one more.  Rooftop concert with new friend from school.  Started spending Tuesday and Thursday afternoons with my Dad = best decision of the year.  BYU football game with the Mo's and Dave Ullah. Awesome Imagine Dragons concert at Velour with Emily.

November...Spent my 31st birthday in Arizona.  Hiked around the Natural Bridge.  Caught up with my childhood friend, Jesse, after I don't know how many years.  Saw the best RV demolition derby EVER with The Guderian's, the Lindstrom's and Ben.  Dad was honored at the JCC.  First thanksgiving with my family after 6 years = I got to eat stuffing and gravy!


December...Finished classes (straight A's)!  Moved to SLC.  Spent as much time with my Dad and family as possible including Zoo lights, temple square, a fantastic birthday party for my dad and a wonderful family Christmas party.  Dinner with Val, Chris, Melanie and Mark.  Dad passed away and we spent New Year's eve as a family.

Letters to My Dad, Part 2

** This letter was written to my Dad and placed in a notebook with letters from other family members back in 2009 for my Dad's 60th birthday **

Dear Daddy,

I don’t know that words could ever adequately express my love for you and the immense gratitude I have for you as my Father.  Hopefully I can share a few of the things that I have appreciated and the fun Memories you have helped create for me. But I do know that I strive everyday to express my love and gratitude through the person I have become and to make you proud to be my Dad.

My most abundant memories of you and of our family involve work.  From an early age I was taught the value of work, first from you as the provider.  You sacrificed so much of your time, and of yourself to work and provide for us.  I feel like we as your children were taught something many kids are not, and that is the true value of work.  You taught through work, that we take care of each other, and help the family out.  As much as we all complained about getting up and cleaning, or doing the newspaper route, or just doing chores at home… those experiences are very dear to me, some of my most happy times with you and my siblings.  Here are just a few I can remember:

·        Robert stamping me with the REJECT stamp while cleaning the radiation office (not to mention him shutting the door while I was in the radiation room)

·        Amy, Andy and I locking ourselves out of the ReMax building and walking home together

·        Listening to you and Andy snore when we pulled over to take naps in between jobs

·        Singing with Mel as we threw the paper route. 

It was because of these experiences that we all became friends with each other.  And there’s no better gift than that.  You taught me how important it was to work, that work brought opportunity.  When I wanted things that were extra or luxury, you helped me find a way to do it.  I remember cleaning the pool on river road (that filter was always so gross) to earn enough money to buy the things at Sea World I wanted, or to go to Academy for Girls.

You taught me to give to the Lord. I’ll never forget the yellow box with the blue book.  You taught me to serve when you took the time to buy flowers on Mother’s Day for your female employees at Chapman.  Most importantly you taught me that I was loved.  You took what little time away from work you had to spend it with me.  I remember the many adventures you, Andy and I took.  We loved being with you whether at the zoo or dropping the boy scouts off at camp and then taking our sweet time driving home.  Fondly I look back at my time raising and showing “Star.”  That was something you and I had, just the two of us.  I will never forget that! 

You instilled in me a love for the mountains and for creation.  I know you find the solace and rejuvenation in the wilderness that I do.  I’m so happy that you took us out camping and exploring.  That was the foundation for what has become my passion!

I’m grateful to you for always being willing and able to give me Father’s Blessings.  Those were the best starts to the school year.  And as I’ve gotten older and understood their significance and effect on my life, I have appreciated them even more.  I have many that I have written down what I could remember soon after, and used them to help guide me over and over.  Thank You for showing me the importance of having a worthy priesthood holder in my own home.  Your advice and wisdom, your concern for my happiness and well being will always be appreciated.

Dad, I have always been proud of you.  I have always thought I had a cool Dad and wanted to share you with my friends.  I was so happy to see so many of my friends (especially the boys in Oak City) look up to you and respect you as I did.  I can only wish for my children the happy life that you created for me, and a Father as loving and faithful as you are.

With all my love,

Goose

Letters to my Dad part 1

Dear Dad,

I don't want you to die!  That's the only thing running through my head over and over and I need to tell you that.  I'm so scared to live a life without you.  I don't know how to do it- and I don't want to do it.  Who is going to give me blessings?  Who is going to ask me how my car is running?  If I've check the oil lately?  Who is going to ask how my finances are?  Who is going to call me Goose?  Who is going to drop every thing and drive hundreds of miles to come rescue me?  No one can ever fill the role of Dad for me but you.

You sacrificed so much of your time and money and health to provide for me and the rest of the family.  I can never thank you enough for always supporting and encouraging me to pursue my dreams.

This is not how I thought life would turn out.  I want my husband to know you.  I want my kids to know and have their grandpa to hang out with, to go camping and hiking with.  I'm so sad that is not going to happen now.

I will miss you everyday Dad.  I'll miss your making up and singing songs.  I'll miss your graph paper.  I'll miss you asking how I am.  I'll miss your methodical planning of gardens and room configurations.  I'll miss your fathers blessings you freely gave.  I'll miss you hosing off the patio after a long Saturdays work.  I'll miss you wearing your Santa Hat and being so excited to give gifts to us.  I'll miss hearing your voice, getting your emails and hearing you pray.  I'll miss letters in ALL CAPS.  I'll miss my yearly Valentines poem.

But Dad, I know where to find you...

I can find you in my garden.  Every time I plan, plant, weed and harvest from my own garden I'll find you.  I can find you every time I hike, backpack and camp under the stars.  I'll look up and find you.  I'll find you in a clean bathroom and as I mop floors in a figure 8.  I'll find you on the graph paper I use to make plans.  I'll find you when I collect chicken eggs- or raise a pygmy goat.  I'll find you every time I sing, "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer."  Or when I teach my family "Softly Falls."  I'll find you in the perfect fried egg sandwich or hamburger.

Daddy, I love you.  I always will.  I know we will be with each other again.  I'm so blessed to have you as my Dad.  Thank you for always bearing testimony to me of our Savior and our temple covenants.  I will live daily to make you proud and in a way that allows us to be united as a family once again.

With all my heart, your,
Goose

ONE

Have you heard of Ali Edwards?

I found her blog way back in 2007 when I had the most boring job in the world.  She focuses on telling the stories of our lives.  One of her big things is picking a word for the upcoming year to focus on.  She likes to let the word find her as she contemplates the new year.  You can read about it here.  Last year, 2011 was going to be my second year doing this.  My first year was 2010... I picked ACHIEVE.  Around Thanksgiving 2010 I started to think about 2011, and what I really desired most in my life.  I was led to the word ONE.  That word seemed funny to me; most people choose words like Health, Happiness, Forgiveness, Movement etc.  Actions or Emotions.  But ONE kept coming back to me every time I thought about a new word. I tried to think about why ONE.

As I focused on that word I realized it was because what I was desiring the most in my life at that time was to become ONE with Jeremy and together ONE with God.  I knew there was something a little off, but nothing that couldn't be fixed if I really worked hard.  I started to look up quotes and scripture to help me figure out how to better be ONE as husband and wife.  I was gearing up for the best year of marriage yet!

Little did I know how important that word ONE would turn out to be to me.  5 days before Christmas 2010, I learned why I felt something was a little off between Jeremy and I.  At that moment, I still felt like we could work together and become ONE.  That was my sincere desire and intention.  As 2011 started, my story to be told changed from becoming ONE with Jeremy and God to becoming ONE... a single individual again, desperately trying to be ONE with God still.

It's amazing to me that a single word can have so much impact.  As the days leading up to my divorce marched on, I repeated over and over to myself...

"Get up ONE more time"
"You can make in through ONE more day"
"ONE more step"
"ONE more decision"
"ONE day you'll be okay, just keep going"

As I ran my 1/2 marathon, I chanted "ONE foot in front of the other"

While I face the death of my Father I find myself saying Thank You to Heavenly Father for ONE more day with him.  I got to say, "Good Night, Daddy.  I love you." ONE more time tonight.

The impact of a single word can never be overstated.  It pulled me through some dark, rough days this year and is still doing so these last few days or so with my Dad.

My story this year wasn't what I thought it was going to be, and it's okay because I'm a whole, complete individual again.  I'm:

ONE

and now

I'm going to focus on being

OPEN

Anchor

Sometimes I don't post because I feel like if I do you will think I'm bi-polar.  One week I'm really good, the next I'm not so much.  As I've been contemplating that phenomena in my life I realized that I feel like my emotions as of late are pure reaction to outside circumstances.  I've never really felt like that before.  I'm a visual person, so when I can actually visual how I'm feeling it makes more sense to me.  After expressing my thoughts to Joie, and feeling okay about my emotions (because Joie is good at that), I came up with this analogy...

I'm a weather buoy that has snapped the chain to it's anchor and I'm being driven to and fro by the waves and currents.

Everything makes more sense to me when I speak about the ocean... weird.

So the next question is what is going to keep me from being so tossed around.  I know what my anchor is- Christ and His Gospel- but what am I going to build my new chain with to make sure it doesn't snap, or stretch too much?  What do you do to regulate your emotions and not feel so tossed about by the circumstances of life?

Lately and Currently

I can't believe it's been just over a month since I last posted.  Time flies.

Lately...

+ I enjoyed my first Thanksgiving home in over 6 years.  Including a marathon game of charades and a falconer (aka. my nephew Sawyer and his stuffed angry bird).  Loved being with my family. 

+ Nightly games of Settlers of Cattan with Andy and Alina... and winning the majority of them!

+ Making cupcakes for my sister-in-law, Alina's, baby shower.  She's having the first granddaughter.  It's a big deal!

+ Playing with Danny as much as possible... today he's pretending to be the parrot, I'm pretending to be the pirate

+ Finished the semester... straight A's so far... not all grades have been posted yet

+ Decorated Mom and Dad's new place for Christmas

+ Zoo lights with the family

Currently...

+ Packing up even more of my life and moving it into the family storage unit, a.k.a. Andy's Basement.  I'm moving up to my parent's apartment in Salt Lake City.  It's a small two bedroom, with not much space for my stuff.  The name of the game is minimalism for the next few months while I live there and do my student teaching.

+ Trying to notice the beauty in this frozen place... like this giant full moon before the sunset.

+ Taking as many self portraits with my Dad as I can