Nights

Nights have been really hard for me lately.  I'm not sure why.  Previously, I would usually fall asleep around 10 each night, no matter where I'm at (including movie theaters).  I've found myself stalling, and stalling.  I don't know why, but a few things come to mind:

• I'll be all by myself all night.  It's not unheard of.  Often Jeremy would stay up all night.  But I guess it's just knowing for sure now.
• If I go to bed, that means I have to face another day.  And sometimes that thought keeps me from getting into my bed.
• Nights were Jeremy's favorite time of day.  You would think that would make me want to jump right into bed and sleep it away.  But more often than not, I sit thinking about him, hoping he might reach out and send a message my way.

It's probably the 2nd one that causes me to stall the most.  But some how the mornings come, I get up and face the day, and then the day closes.  I'm sure at some point, I'm going to look back and wonder what happened during these days.  For now I'm doing what I can to make it through each day.  And I know full well the only way I'm getting through them is because the Savior is helping me!

Roller Coaster

It's been awhile since I wrote anything here or in my journal.  Writing is funny, kind of like time.  Depending on the view at the moment I find writing helpful and therapeutic... or definitive and concrete (as in if I write it down, I can't change my mind later).  Sort of like time.  I can think, "Wow, it's only been 4 years since I finished grad school." ... or "It seems like forever ago I was in grad school."  My thinking just depends on my view that day.  But isn't that how all of life is.

I've been avoiding writing because I didn't want to be the "Debbie Downer."  But then I realized the other day... my life is the ultimate roller coaster.  Some days are good, some days are hard.  Some parts of the day are good some parts aren't so great.  And what fun is a roller coaster if there are no ups and downs?  I really can't think of one.  I love roller coasters.  Always have.  Always will. 

Granted, I'd like my life to be more like riding the Dumbo Ride at Disneyland rather than Montezuma's Revenge (probably because I peed my pants the first time I went on that ride).  However, if we ever go to an amusement park together I'd so rather ride the fast, crazy ones.  I guess my comparison is falling apart here.  I'm just trying to say; I've strapped myself in, acknowledged and accepted that this is the ride I'm on currently and am trying my best to experience both the ups and the downs.

Here's what's been UP this week:

• Taught my first primary class (of 4 years old).  Can kids be any more fun?  And teaching the gospel basics is awesome.  Today we learned: Eating good food helps us to feel Happy and Healthy! 
• Ran my first race of the year with Valerie and her in-laws (my pseudo family).  I have lots of room to improve... and if I'm going to run a half marathon in August, I better get serious.
• Watched a girls soccer game after the race.  Loved it.  I miss playing, but don't miss the competitive drama.
• Planted more in the garden, and some seeds are starting to pop up.
• The sun came out.
• Mike, my brother, cleaned out my window well (all the window wells actually).
• Was accepted back into BYU for the Fall to pursue my teaching credential.  This time next year I'll be done.  It was odd to walk on campus and think, "Hey maybe I'll run into someone I know."  and then look around a realize that everyone there is about 10 years younger than I am.