Dear Dad,
I don't want you to die! That's the only thing running through my head over and over and I need to tell you that. I'm so scared to live a life without you. I don't know how to do it- and I don't want to do it. Who is going to give me blessings? Who is going to ask me how my car is running? If I've check the oil lately? Who is going to ask how my finances are? Who is going to call me Goose? Who is going to drop every thing and drive hundreds of miles to come rescue me? No one can ever fill the role of Dad for me but you.
You sacrificed so much of your time and money and health to provide for me and the rest of the family. I can never thank you enough for always supporting and encouraging me to pursue my dreams.
This is not how I thought life would turn out. I want my husband to know you. I want my kids to know and have their grandpa to hang out with, to go camping and hiking with. I'm so sad that is not going to happen now.
I will miss you everyday Dad. I'll miss your making up and singing songs. I'll miss your graph paper. I'll miss you asking how I am. I'll miss your methodical planning of gardens and room configurations. I'll miss your fathers blessings you freely gave. I'll miss you hosing off the patio after a long Saturdays work. I'll miss you wearing your Santa Hat and being so excited to give gifts to us. I'll miss hearing your voice, getting your emails and hearing you pray. I'll miss letters in ALL CAPS. I'll miss my yearly Valentines poem.
But Dad, I know where to find you...
I can find you in my garden. Every time I plan, plant, weed and harvest from my own garden I'll find you. I can find you every time I hike, backpack and camp under the stars. I'll look up and find you. I'll find you in a clean bathroom and as I mop floors in a figure 8. I'll find you on the graph paper I use to make plans. I'll find you when I collect chicken eggs- or raise a pygmy goat. I'll find you every time I sing, "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer." Or when I teach my family "Softly Falls." I'll find you in the perfect fried egg sandwich or hamburger.
Daddy, I love you. I always will. I know we will be with each other again. I'm so blessed to have you as my Dad. Thank you for always bearing testimony to me of our Savior and our temple covenants. I will live daily to make you proud and in a way that allows us to be united as a family once again.
With all my heart, your,
Goose
Friday, December 30, 2011
ONE
Have you heard of Ali Edwards?
I found her blog way back in 2007 when I had the most boring job in the world. She focuses on telling the stories of our lives. One of her big things is picking a word for the upcoming year to focus on. She likes to let the word find her as she contemplates the new year. You can read about it here. Last year, 2011 was going to be my second year doing this. My first year was 2010... I picked ACHIEVE. Around Thanksgiving 2010 I started to think about 2011, and what I really desired most in my life. I was led to the word ONE. That word seemed funny to me; most people choose words like Health, Happiness, Forgiveness, Movement etc. Actions or Emotions. But ONE kept coming back to me every time I thought about a new word. I tried to think about why ONE.
As I focused on that word I realized it was because what I was desiring the most in my life at that time was to become ONE with Jeremy and together ONE with God. I knew there was something a little off, but nothing that couldn't be fixed if I really worked hard. I started to look up quotes and scripture to help me figure out how to better be ONE as husband and wife. I was gearing up for the best year of marriage yet!
Little did I know how important that word ONE would turn out to be to me. 5 days before Christmas 2010, I learned why I felt something was a little off between Jeremy and I. At that moment, I still felt like we could work together and become ONE. That was my sincere desire and intention. As 2011 started, my story to be told changed from becoming ONE with Jeremy and God to becoming ONE... a single individual again, desperately trying to be ONE with God still.
It's amazing to me that a single word can have so much impact. As the days leading up to my divorce marched on, I repeated over and over to myself...
"Get up ONE more time"
"You can make in through ONE more day"
"ONE more step"
"ONE more decision"
"ONE day you'll be okay, just keep going"
As I ran my 1/2 marathon, I chanted "ONE foot in front of the other"
While I face the death of my Father I find myself saying Thank You to Heavenly Father for ONE more day with him. I got to say, "Good Night, Daddy. I love you." ONE more time tonight.
The impact of a single word can never be overstated. It pulled me through some dark, rough days this year and is still doing so these last few days or so with my Dad.
My story this year wasn't what I thought it was going to be, and it's okay because I'm a whole, complete individual again. I'm:
I found her blog way back in 2007 when I had the most boring job in the world. She focuses on telling the stories of our lives. One of her big things is picking a word for the upcoming year to focus on. She likes to let the word find her as she contemplates the new year. You can read about it here. Last year, 2011 was going to be my second year doing this. My first year was 2010... I picked ACHIEVE. Around Thanksgiving 2010 I started to think about 2011, and what I really desired most in my life. I was led to the word ONE. That word seemed funny to me; most people choose words like Health, Happiness, Forgiveness, Movement etc. Actions or Emotions. But ONE kept coming back to me every time I thought about a new word. I tried to think about why ONE.
As I focused on that word I realized it was because what I was desiring the most in my life at that time was to become ONE with Jeremy and together ONE with God. I knew there was something a little off, but nothing that couldn't be fixed if I really worked hard. I started to look up quotes and scripture to help me figure out how to better be ONE as husband and wife. I was gearing up for the best year of marriage yet!
Little did I know how important that word ONE would turn out to be to me. 5 days before Christmas 2010, I learned why I felt something was a little off between Jeremy and I. At that moment, I still felt like we could work together and become ONE. That was my sincere desire and intention. As 2011 started, my story to be told changed from becoming ONE with Jeremy and God to becoming ONE... a single individual again, desperately trying to be ONE with God still.
It's amazing to me that a single word can have so much impact. As the days leading up to my divorce marched on, I repeated over and over to myself...
"Get up ONE more time"
"You can make in through ONE more day"
"ONE more step"
"ONE more decision"
"ONE day you'll be okay, just keep going"
As I ran my 1/2 marathon, I chanted "ONE foot in front of the other"
While I face the death of my Father I find myself saying Thank You to Heavenly Father for ONE more day with him. I got to say, "Good Night, Daddy. I love you." ONE more time tonight.
The impact of a single word can never be overstated. It pulled me through some dark, rough days this year and is still doing so these last few days or so with my Dad.
My story this year wasn't what I thought it was going to be, and it's okay because I'm a whole, complete individual again. I'm:
ONE
and now
I'm going to focus on being
OPEN
Monday, December 26, 2011
Anchor
Sometimes I don't post because I feel like if I do you will think I'm bi-polar. One week I'm really good, the next I'm not so much. As I've been contemplating that phenomena in my life I realized that I feel like my emotions as of late are pure reaction to outside circumstances. I've never really felt like that before. I'm a visual person, so when I can actually visual how I'm feeling it makes more sense to me. After expressing my thoughts to Joie, and feeling okay about my emotions (because Joie is good at that), I came up with this analogy...
I'm a weather buoy that has snapped the chain to it's anchor and I'm being driven to and fro by the waves and currents.
Everything makes more sense to me when I speak about the ocean... weird.
So the next question is what is going to keep me from being so tossed around. I know what my anchor is- Christ and His Gospel- but what am I going to build my new chain with to make sure it doesn't snap, or stretch too much? What do you do to regulate your emotions and not feel so tossed about by the circumstances of life?
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Lately and Currently
I can't believe it's been just over a month since I last posted. Time flies.
Lately...
+ Taking as many self portraits with my Dad as I can
+ I enjoyed my first Thanksgiving home in over 6 years. Including a marathon game of charades and a falconer (aka. my nephew Sawyer and his stuffed angry bird). Loved being with my family.
+ Nightly games of Settlers of Cattan with Andy and Alina... and winning the majority of them!
+ Making cupcakes for my sister-in-law, Alina's, baby shower. She's having the first granddaughter. It's a big deal!
+ Playing with Danny as much as possible... today he's pretending to be the parrot, I'm pretending to be the pirate
+ Finished the semester... straight A's so far... not all grades have been posted yet
+ Decorated Mom and Dad's new place for Christmas
+ Zoo lights with the family
Currently...
+ Packing up even more of my life and moving it into the family storage unit, a.k.a. Andy's Basement. I'm moving up to my parent's apartment in Salt Lake City. It's a small two bedroom, with not much space for my stuff. The name of the game is minimalism for the next few months while I live there and do my student teaching.
+ Trying to notice the beauty in this frozen place... like this giant full moon before the sunset.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Birthday Shenanigans
My Birthday was awesome. It started first with Kumquat cake for breakfast every day for a week!
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| Mom made me Kumquat cake! |
Then I flew to Arizona. And stayed with Megan, Erik and OJ. They are so good to me, and so generous and kind. Such great friends to have!
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| Bottom of the Bridge |
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| Self portrait at the Top |
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| Group photo |
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| More fun than you'd think |
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| Fried pickles- LOVE |
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| Jesse and I |
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| End of the RV demo derby |
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| First time cleaning a turkey |
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| Turkey was perfect |
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| Apple Strusel Cheesecake Bites |
Sunday, November 13, 2011
GREAT!
As in I feel GREAT!
When I typed that into a chat session with my sister, she asked if she was really talking to Abbie. And I could honestly answer yes. The events leading up to my trip to Arizona, plus the time with dear friends there worked magic!
1. James, Alicia and Xander came to town Halloween weekend. I'm so happy we got to meet up and hang out. I feel so blessed to know them and to have their guidance. From our conversations, and the questions James asked I think it's time to start looking for a social life and to meet new people. I think it's time to stop looking at myself as broken, in need of some fixing. There is nothing wrong with me that should prevent me from making new friends, from dating and getting married again! If feels great to say that. It's freeing.
2. One day while walking on campus I was pondering over what lessons I was supposed to learn through experiencing divorce. What purpose did Heavenly Father have in allowing this to happen? Was I supposed to learn practical relationship things? How to be a better wife? How to communicate more effectively? How to survive on my own? While I'm sure I have learned some of that stuff. I really feel like this experience was for me to increase and solidify my testimony, my faith and my commitment to the Gospel. I now know the source of my hope and salvation. I now know that God watches over me and really prepares paths at any point that we can travel that lead back to Him. I know He loves me. I know the source of truth.
As I was pondering this I saw in my head a red rock plateau that I was walking on... enjoying life, having a testimony, but not really growing or progressing... feeling a bit lacking, but not really knowing it. Then I saw myself walking up a really steep incline... and realizing that through experiencing this really tough incline I feel a deeper anchor- a deeper knowledge, a more sure foundation. I just FEEL deeper, like I have experience in life that is now available to help others around me. I think that is one of the purposes that God had in mind when this happened... that I would be more SOLID, and therefore better able to help other people.
3. The timing of my trip to Arizona couldn't have been more perfect for me personally. I think the two previous events had my mind in the perfect position to take a break from the stresses in my life (school and my Dad's health) and ponder over this past year some more and over what I want this next year to be like. Being among trusted, dear friends (Megan Ruth, Erik, Jesse, and Ben) helped me to be able to vocalize my thoughts and concerns, to hear their testimonies and be reminded of who I am as a person. I was really reluctant to get back on the plane. I haven't felt more like myself in a very long time! Every time I make a trip down there, I fall a little bit more in love with that place.
As a result, I finally feel ready to make some goals (a real necessity in my life), to open myself up to new possibilities and to be happy even while in the midst of adversity.
And feeling happy, feels like myself!
When I typed that into a chat session with my sister, she asked if she was really talking to Abbie. And I could honestly answer yes. The events leading up to my trip to Arizona, plus the time with dear friends there worked magic!
1. James, Alicia and Xander came to town Halloween weekend. I'm so happy we got to meet up and hang out. I feel so blessed to know them and to have their guidance. From our conversations, and the questions James asked I think it's time to start looking for a social life and to meet new people. I think it's time to stop looking at myself as broken, in need of some fixing. There is nothing wrong with me that should prevent me from making new friends, from dating and getting married again! If feels great to say that. It's freeing.
2. One day while walking on campus I was pondering over what lessons I was supposed to learn through experiencing divorce. What purpose did Heavenly Father have in allowing this to happen? Was I supposed to learn practical relationship things? How to be a better wife? How to communicate more effectively? How to survive on my own? While I'm sure I have learned some of that stuff. I really feel like this experience was for me to increase and solidify my testimony, my faith and my commitment to the Gospel. I now know the source of my hope and salvation. I now know that God watches over me and really prepares paths at any point that we can travel that lead back to Him. I know He loves me. I know the source of truth.
As I was pondering this I saw in my head a red rock plateau that I was walking on... enjoying life, having a testimony, but not really growing or progressing... feeling a bit lacking, but not really knowing it. Then I saw myself walking up a really steep incline... and realizing that through experiencing this really tough incline I feel a deeper anchor- a deeper knowledge, a more sure foundation. I just FEEL deeper, like I have experience in life that is now available to help others around me. I think that is one of the purposes that God had in mind when this happened... that I would be more SOLID, and therefore better able to help other people.
3. The timing of my trip to Arizona couldn't have been more perfect for me personally. I think the two previous events had my mind in the perfect position to take a break from the stresses in my life (school and my Dad's health) and ponder over this past year some more and over what I want this next year to be like. Being among trusted, dear friends (Megan Ruth, Erik, Jesse, and Ben) helped me to be able to vocalize my thoughts and concerns, to hear their testimonies and be reminded of who I am as a person. I was really reluctant to get back on the plane. I haven't felt more like myself in a very long time! Every time I make a trip down there, I fall a little bit more in love with that place.
As a result, I finally feel ready to make some goals (a real necessity in my life), to open myself up to new possibilities and to be happy even while in the midst of adversity.
And feeling happy, feels like myself!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Choice
For behold, I, God, have asuffered these things for all, that they might not bsuffer if they would crepent;
That day has since impacted me deeply. Just the week before I had noted in my journal that I was tired of being sad. That I felt like there was constantly a heavy blanket of sadness laid over me and that it was suffocating me. I was functional; going to school, doing my homework, showering etc. But I didn't really feel much but sadness.
So as I pondered suffering and pain in the temple I realized that I was choosing to suffer, I was choosing to be sad still. By choosing to lean on my own strength, by holding on to hurt, pain, disappointment, heartache and protecting my pride... I was choosing to suffer. I can choose another way. I can choose to lean on Christ as my Savior and have his suffering stand in place of mine. I don't have to suffer any more! Pain-Yes, it's inevitable. Suffering- NO!!!
I have HOPE again. While I know that doing the above is easier said than done, I at least feel hope again. Hope in the day when my suffering stops because I choose to have Christ's suffering for me to stand in place. Each time I consciously do this I feel this blanket of sadness lift. It's beautiful.
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