I Can See the Corner

When I go running (which isn't very often these days... though that will change) I motivate myself with land marks.  My internal dialogue goes something like this:

"All you have to do is run for this entire song:"
"Song is over, just keep running until you reach that trashcan ahead."
"See if you can make it to that next lamp post."
"There's the corner, keep going until you reach the corner and then you can turn down the street and take a break."
Then inevitably I feel good that I made it to the corner and feel a bit motivated to keep going.  And most times I finish the planned run without stopping, even though I only started with the intention of running for the length of the first song.

I've been running this part of my life without much of a planned route.  Many emotions have over taken me at moments that I didn't know I could experience.  Pain and heartache I never knew could exist so deep.  Worry, stress and doubts consumed my mind relentlessly.  Feelings of failure appeared like never before.  Grief and sorrow surrounded my spirit.  And for some reason, I didn't feel like I could ever let it go and rid myself of these feelings.  In fact, last weekend while I was in California I had one of those days where I realized my life can never be the same.  I've experienced too much now.  I couldn't see then how I could ever go back to being "Abbie":  To being the happy, positive, optimistic, care-free person I like to be.

So I ran away, I ran all the way out to D.C. to be with Val and Chris and their kids.  Everyone should have a friend like Valerie, you just should.  And Chris.  I've been able to laugh and cry and ponder and pray and think out loud and laugh even more.  Laughing and talking is what we do best together.  Friday night the three of use stayed up late and played games, recounted stories and just plain laughed.  And it felt good.  It felt right.

Saturday night we slipped away to the adult session of Stake Conference and had a great meeting about filling our homes with "Butter and Honey."  On the way home we talked about what that means for our life situations and how we can do that.  It felt good.  It felt right.

I woke up this morning and read this blog post.   (Click and Read. You must, it's pretty short and profound)

And suddenly I saw the corner in the distance... the one that I'm desperately trying to run to.

Tonight, I prayed.  I took all my feelings and tossed them up to Heavenly Father.  And I'm asking for him to toss back a different set.  I asked for optimism, for happiness, for unwavering faith, for charity, for clarity and understanding and ultimately for the Peace of God to settle on my heart.  I feel good. I feel right

I think the corner was closer than I thought.