I Can See the Corner

When I go running (which isn't very often these days... though that will change) I motivate myself with land marks.  My internal dialogue goes something like this:

"All you have to do is run for this entire song:"
"Song is over, just keep running until you reach that trashcan ahead."
"See if you can make it to that next lamp post."
"There's the corner, keep going until you reach the corner and then you can turn down the street and take a break."
Then inevitably I feel good that I made it to the corner and feel a bit motivated to keep going.  And most times I finish the planned run without stopping, even though I only started with the intention of running for the length of the first song.

I've been running this part of my life without much of a planned route.  Many emotions have over taken me at moments that I didn't know I could experience.  Pain and heartache I never knew could exist so deep.  Worry, stress and doubts consumed my mind relentlessly.  Feelings of failure appeared like never before.  Grief and sorrow surrounded my spirit.  And for some reason, I didn't feel like I could ever let it go and rid myself of these feelings.  In fact, last weekend while I was in California I had one of those days where I realized my life can never be the same.  I've experienced too much now.  I couldn't see then how I could ever go back to being "Abbie":  To being the happy, positive, optimistic, care-free person I like to be.

So I ran away, I ran all the way out to D.C. to be with Val and Chris and their kids.  Everyone should have a friend like Valerie, you just should.  And Chris.  I've been able to laugh and cry and ponder and pray and think out loud and laugh even more.  Laughing and talking is what we do best together.  Friday night the three of use stayed up late and played games, recounted stories and just plain laughed.  And it felt good.  It felt right.

Saturday night we slipped away to the adult session of Stake Conference and had a great meeting about filling our homes with "Butter and Honey."  On the way home we talked about what that means for our life situations and how we can do that.  It felt good.  It felt right.

I woke up this morning and read this blog post.   (Click and Read. You must, it's pretty short and profound)

And suddenly I saw the corner in the distance... the one that I'm desperately trying to run to.

Tonight, I prayed.  I took all my feelings and tossed them up to Heavenly Father.  And I'm asking for him to toss back a different set.  I asked for optimism, for happiness, for unwavering faith, for charity, for clarity and understanding and ultimately for the Peace of God to settle on my heart.  I feel good. I feel right

I think the corner was closer than I thought.

Why Today was Awesome

Lest you think my life is completely sad here's what was awesome about today:

-A really great interview
-Lunch and crying time with one of my best friends (if this was the only thing that happened today, I could still say it was awesome)
-Finished CPR/AED/First Aid class and passed it
-My mom invited me on a road trip for the weekend to go to California to see my grandparents
-My other best friend (the one above and this one and I were roommates our freshman year of school) is flying me out to see her next week
-Opened my email and saw that I was invited for a 2nd interview!

Life is awesome!

Awesome

Mornings are usually the good part of the day for me.  I've always been a morning person.  Fresh new start, lots of things to look forward to.  This morning was different because so many "what if's" filled my mind. 

What if I had prayed more
What if I was more preceptive
What if I was more receptive to the Holy Ghost
What if I was more outspoken and talked more about what I noticed
What if I listened to that podcast Jeremy sent the day I decided things wouldn't work

I think I'll battle these "what if's" for a very long time, praying each day for them to dissapear or be answered.  For now I have to have faith that things could have been different BUT they aren't.  This is where I am and this is where I have to start from.

My Mom didn't know I was having this kind of morning because she's at work, but she sent me an email with a link to a TED talk.  And it's lifted my spirits.  I think we can all relate to the message.

http://www.dailygood.org/more.php?n=4456

I hope it lifts yours too!

Abbielone

You pronounce it like abalone (the sea snail) but instead of 'aba' you use 'abbie': abbielone.

In the summer of 2000 I left the security of the Wasatch Mountains and ventured to the constant waves of the Pacific Ocean in the Monterey Bay. It was the second time in my life that I went out on a grand adventure by myself (the first time was moving to school in Idaho). I was nervous, and timid but determined to live this adventure to the fullest because my dream was coming true; I was becoming a marine biologist.

I spent those few months immersed in all things marine... tide pooling, kayaking, scuba diving, dissecting, collecting and eating. I've never been so happy and content with life as I did those few months. I slept on a cot with my sleeping bag in the living room with 2 other girls (plus 2 others in the bedroom) of the apartment we rented together. We ate dinner on a card table. We had some blow up plastic chairs. Life was simple and FULL!

Remember the movie Sabrina?  Well, Monterey is my Paris.  I've always felt I found my self while living there. 

I'm not sure who said it first or when it was bestowed upon me, but for most of that summer I was known as "Abbielone" and to this day friends from that adventure and friends since still call me Abbielone. I think it's fitting. 
I'm now starting a new adventure in life. One I never imagined: divorced at age 30, without a job, living in my parents basement; but I am. While I still wade through bouts of sadness, loss, insecurity, doubt, loneliness, and confusion; I keep remembering my time in Monterey. Life is an adventure to be lived to its fullest. And that's what I intend to do.

I intend to live life as Abbielone