I'm not really sure what to write about tonight.  The thing that is on my mind the most is just how keenly aware Heavenly Father is about each and everyone of us. 

I'm not sure what is really happening in my head right now, but the last two weeks have been especially hard.  I feel like I'm back in the emotional space I was last May... and that is far from what I want to experience and relive.  In fact, if I could erase that month, I'd be more than happy.  I seem to cry at everything... in fact the little kitten crying outside as I type this is causing me to cry.



I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone back in August (Hi Caitlin!) and telling her how I felt good, and I felt like I was progressing and healing.  I was feeling more and more like myself.  She was happy and supportive of that, and then kindly said something like this, "You know that you'll still experience those down times though right?"  I acknowledged that I did, but deep down, I thought I was beyond these kind of down time episodes I'm working through right now.  I knew I still had hard days ahead, but back then I felt like I could handle that.

Halfway through this past week I recieved an email from my sister, Amy.  She sent me an email about a scripture she had just read in Matthew.  She included a quote from a general authority about the scriptureMatthew 5:29, 30 "If Thy Right Hand Offend Thee, Cut It Off"
"... When the Lord spoke of parts o the body, it is evident that he had in mind close friends or relaties who endeavored to lead us from the path of rectitude and humble obedience to the divine commandments we receive from the Lord.  If any friend or relative endeavors to lead a person away from the commandments, it is better to dispense with his friendship and association rather than to follow him in evil practices to destruction...."  (Smith, Answers to Gospel Questions, 5:79)


It's the timing of this email and the content that really confirms to me that Heavenly Father is acutely aware of us.

I'm surviving.  School is good, I really like it.  But personally I'm struggling.  I feel like I"m back in the month of May.  I don't know why the last 3 weeks have been so hard. but they have.  I'm constantly searching for confirmation that I made the right decision, fighting the shame and guilt that comes with running away and leaving Jeremy to fend for himself.  I find myself praying that someone will pick up my slack and fellowship him back to the gospel.... and then if that is really going to happen, then why couldn't that have just been me.

It really is as painful and awful as cutting off the right hand sounds like.  I wrote in my journal the other night that if I had a real glimpse into what this was going to be like emotionally for me ... I probably wouldn't have  had the courage to make the decision.  For some reason, Heavenly Father shielded me from that at the time, or maybe I just ignored it.  But for whatever reason, it was probably a good thing.

Thank you for sharing this scripture and thought with me.  I hold on to those pieces of doctrine, because so much of what we usually talk about in church is going after the lost... and it usually kills me a little bit inside everytime.
I love you.  Thank you for looking out for me.  I wouldn't have been able to make the decision I did, and survive this long without you!