Part 2

Blogger is finicky sometimes... it didn't post my whole post.  So here is the rest of the story...

My sister's email helped me through to the weekend, where I thought going to the temple would bring me some peace.  Unfortunately my trip to the temple, just caused more and more crazy headiness (technical term I promise) because my name on my recommend does not match the name in the computer.  Needless to say I had to explain the whole divorce and legal name change a few times, ending in the Temple recorders office, before they let me in.  But I made it in, a little bit a peace came.

But Sunday my head was still spinning.  And I went to church fasting for one thing: A calm mind.  Once again Heavenly Father showed to me clearly he is aware of me through the testimonies of others and the lesson in Relief Society.  See, back in April President Packer gave a talk on the Holy Ghost.  He shared a story, which included the phrase "Leave it Alone".  That phrase alone has helped me through some possible sticky situations with the divorce the last six months.  But for some reason the last month, the phrase had escaped my daily affirmations in my head.  Until, I opened the Ensign, and turned to the lesson for the day... it was President Packers talk.  Tears just started to flow (see I cry at everything).  Those words were meant for me.  I once again read his final statement:

If you are carrying some burden, forget it, let it alone. Do a lot of forgiving and a little repenting, and you will be visited by the Spirit of the Holy Ghost and confirmed by the testimony that you did not know existed. You will be watched over and blessed—you and yours. This is an invitation to come unto Him.

 

I was quickly reminded by the Spirit that I needed to forgive myself for what happened and press forward.  I need to "Leave it Alone"

So the point of my last 2 posts is this:  Heavenly Father knows each of you.  He knows what we need.  He's aware of us, no matter where or what we may be doing.  And most importantly for me right now: He is very much aware of Jeremy and has prepared people and ways for him to come back to the gospel.  That brings me Peace of Mind!

I'm not really sure what to write about tonight.  The thing that is on my mind the most is just how keenly aware Heavenly Father is about each and everyone of us. 

I'm not sure what is really happening in my head right now, but the last two weeks have been especially hard.  I feel like I'm back in the emotional space I was last May... and that is far from what I want to experience and relive.  In fact, if I could erase that month, I'd be more than happy.  I seem to cry at everything... in fact the little kitten crying outside as I type this is causing me to cry.

My Cultural Diorama

If you had to pick 3 things from your home that represent your background, traditions, and daily activities, What would you pick?  That was my assignment for a class I'm taking.  First I had to pick a "label" that would synthesize who I am.  Then pick 3 objects, and write a little bit about how each artifact represents who I am.  This is what I came up with:

Religious, Goal-Setting Naturalist from a close-knit family

Count Your Blessings- My beliefs about spiritual matters are the foundation of who I am.  They inform my actions and set the framework for my life.  Inherent in those beliefs is the virtue of gratitude. I don’t believe in Luck, I believe in Blessings.  Recognizing the source of those blessings, my loving Heavenly Father, keeps me humble and focused on the positives of life.  I keep this poster front and center in my room as a reminder that even when life doesn't seem so great, there's a blessing somewhere... I just have to open my eyes and heart and I'll find it!

Binoculars- I am a naturalist.  Naturalists study plants, animals and all things in the natural world mostly by observation rather than experimental methods.  I believe it to be a way to approach and view life.  I’m always looking for connections, trying to figure out why things (mostly in the natural world) are the way they are.  I want to know their names, why they live where they do, and watch their interactions with other organisms and their environment.  Binoculars and field guides are my tools; I don’t leave home without them.  This approach to life has also influenced how I interact with people.  I'm curious to know their names and what makes them unique- we all have something.

30 B4 30- Some of my earliest memories involve “job charts.”  Watching those tiny squares fill up with stickers brought me much satisfaction.  I was taught to decide what you want, and who you want to be then chart a course to reach those goals.  If you don’t make it the first time, keep trying until you do. I’m constantly negotiating new goals and path to achieve them.  I decided to set 30 goals to accomplish before I turned 30.  For that year I focused on these goals.  They ranged from doing a sprint triathlon to reading all 4 Standard Works. My aim is to always be progressing, to be improving myself.  Life is to be lived on purpose, with a purpose!

Blessed

I almost titled this blog post as "Lucky" but I know these things aren't luck, they are blessings from above!

I am completely blessed to be living with my little brother, Andy, my sister-in-law, Alina and my nephew, Danny.  They graciously opened their home to me. 



Alina, Andy, Danny camping self-portrait



I never thought my little brother would be the one helping me out.  But it doesn't surprise me.  We've been good friends since we were little.  Andy was the one I ran to when I came home in January trying to make sense of what was happening in my life.  We used to go on Sunday drives together and just sing and talk.  I am truly blessed to have him as my brother and friend.



Andy and I Oak City Canyon on a Sunday Drive



Alina is awesome.  She put up with Andy and I deciding to do a "juice fast" my first week living in their house.  PLUS, she cooks me dinner every night.  I leave around 5:45 every morning and spend all day at school.  It is so nice to come home and have something to eat.  BYU vending is getting way too much of my change these days, so having a home cooked meal at night is wonderful.  Alina also loves live music and has gone to a few concerts with me this summer.  It's nice to have a girl friend to hang out with and talk to in person.



Camera Fun before going to bed

And then there's Danny.  Though I think the novelty of having me live in his house has worn off for him, I'm still loving it.  As evidenced by the pictures we took together last night.  I'm also enjoying 'racing' him to eat his food, when he's having a hard time focusing and taking the required amount of bites to leave the table.  He says the funniest things and is always wanting to play pretend.  He's always saying, "Why don't you pretend to be the princess and I'll pretend to be the (pirate, prince, dragon)"  And nothing beats the kiss and hug before bedtime!

Thank you Andy, Alina and Danny for sharing your home with me!  I love each of you (and the little one who is coming soon!)



Super Cute Sunday

So today I ventured outside my comfort zone and went to church at a Young Single Adult ward.  And I was pleasantly surprised.  While I don't really feel like a young single adult anymore, it was good to be at church with that crowd. 

When I was still an undergraduate we used to call the first Sunday of any semester "Super Cute Sunday".  It's your chance to make a first impression with just how cute you are.  While I laughed to myself getting ready super early this morning (who gives YSA's a start time of 8:30?) about having to go through a Super Cute Sunday again, I realized that I really just wanted to be at church to feel uplifted, not to impress anyone.  That was a good feeling, and erased any apprehension I had about going to church.

This week was hard.  I love being at school.  I felt like a chicken with my head cut off, running around aimlessly trying to figure our exactly what I need to have done and when the best time to do it is.  I didn't feel really grounded or sane.  I think that put me in a mental state that when I faced a few triggers this week (a random picture of Jeremy and I popping up, a classmate making a comment about the permanent and eternal nature of marriages, assigned readings talking about unconditional love) I didn't cope very well.  Lots of tears.  Lots of doubting.  Lots of feeling alone, isolated and that I don't quite belong.

That is why church was so good today.  My circumstances haven't changed from this week to this morning.  But I felt peace.  And that is all I wanted from being at church.  My prayer was answered... as it always is!