Two Years

Two years ago today I endured one of the hardest days of my entire life.
Two years ago today as I walked out of the elevator and saw Jeremy for the first time in 96 days I melted into his arms and couldn't stop crying for hours.
Two years ago today for the first time in my life I stepped foot in a court of law and nodded my head to the judge that my marriage could not be saved.
Two years ago today I signed final papers officially ending my marriage and the future I had planned on. 
Two years ago today I could not imagine ever being happy ever again.
Two years ago today I was lost.

Two years later I feel immense gratitude for that experience.
Two years later I have more empathy and compassion for those around me.
Two years later I'm more forgiving,accepting and open.
Two years later my testimony of the gospel has deeper roots.
Two years later I have hope in the future- whatever it brings.
Two years later I know my strength, and where that strength comes from.
Two years later I have found myself again.
Two years later I am the happiest I've ever been- joy as exceeding as my pain.

And as I typed that I remembered this post I wrote back then and realize that it came true.  I am extremely blessed.

Walkers

I don't know what it is about me, but for some reason I attract males who use walkers...

Meet Lucas. Lucas loves to spit up, chew on his hands, slobber, eat split pea soup, and practice walking. I have a date with Lucas every Wednesday night. Lately more often than that.  Last weekend we rode in the back of his parents car for 8 hours together. He couldn't keep his eyes off me! For almost the entire 8 hours he stared at me. Even in the dark. When I thought he was sleeping, I'd push a button on my cell phone to use as a light to check on him... and his giant eyes would be wide open starring at me. It became a little creepy. I think he's infatuated.

A while ago I followed the advice of a friend and signed up for a LDS dating website. Not much has come from it. A few conversations. A date (who promptly asked how many kids I wanted to have. Seriously. He didn't even know my last name at that point. Sheesh. Slow down buddy). And a lot of men "looking" at my profile. When one of those men "like" a picture or send me a flirt I get an email. I'm not going to lie, something leaps inside of me when one of those emails pop up. Butterflies.

A strange pattern has emerged. Most of these likes and flirts are coming from older men. As in OLDER men.

GCDOW- age 58
LEO03- age 57
GEORGE1 - age 65

I could go on, but I think you get the picture.  I don't know what it is about my profile that screams, "Hey Guys, I'm only 32, but I like my men OLD!"  Are they just trying to be nice? Trying to boost a girls confidence?  I don't get it.  I'm often mistaken to be way younger than I am.  What about this profile picture entices the guys who are 20+ year older than me to flirt with me.  That's like having my Dad flirt with me.  CREEPY!

And just to prove a point. I went to church with friends last weekend in California. As we were walking to class we passed an OLDER gentleman walking very slowly with a walker. I walked into the room first, found us a place to sit and we all sat down and visited quietly waiting for the class to start. The before mentioned older gentleman entered the room, and paused at the front for a few seconds. He headed towards me. I just thought he was going to take a seat. Instead he comes right up to me and asks me to give the opening prayer. Out of everyone in the room, many people whom he knows, he some how found and approached me. I leaned over to Megan right before the prayer and said, "See, I attract males who use walkers."

Heaven help us all if this is how my post-divorce dating life continues... That's not to say I haven't had some wonderful dates or haven't met some awesome people...it's just a recent trend.

Because It's Time

Life has been pretty much non-stop since school started. Here's a little bit of what has been going on...


First day of school

8th graders are a whole different subspecies of humans.  They are equal parts frustrating and entertaining.  I'm constantly being amused and annoyed by their behavior.  My "honeymoon" to teaching wore off pretty quickly.  Within a few weeks, I was calling my Mom crying.  I generally haven't had many problems with classroom management but I'm having some difficulties this time around.  I'm still trying to figure it out and am totally satisfied with approaching this year as a learning process.  One day my instructional coach from the district came in to observe.  Afterwards he said, "You have an amazing lesson planned out.  It was perfect.  But the kids are killing it."

I spent sometime, reluctantly, trying to remember what it was like to be an 8th grader again.  I think that has helped me to calm down and not expect perfection from them or from me.  I now feel very sorry for my 8th grade teachers.

In the beginning it was really easy to just spend all my time at school.  I never thought I was prepared enough for the next day, so I'd spend all my time there.  I figured I didn't really have anything else going on in my life so I might as well spend it at work.  After my first weekend with no school work passed, I decided to restore some balance.  While school still takes up the majority of my life, I've incorporated some daily/weekly rituals that help me walk away and feel satisfied in all areas of life.

• Weekly dinner with Megan and Erik.  The biggest pull to deciding to move to Arizona was the fact that Megan and Erik live here.  Thankfully they live a short 8 minute drive away.  We've started a weekly tradition of having dinner together.  I go over after school and hang out with Megan and the two kids until Erik comes home for dinner.  I love being at their house.  I'm so grateful to have their support and friendship.  They are my family here.

Megan coached me through my first singles conference last weekend. Before each event I would text Megan a picture of my outfit to get approval.   I often still feel a little socially awkward, but with Megan's constant help, I'm improving... and I even had a great conversation with a cute guy!

• Weekly Institute class.  In an effort to meet new people I go to a mid-singles institute class.  The teacher is fabulous and I'm slowly meeting new people.  It's nice to have a constant
• I started a garden.  While the majority of you are hunkering down for the winter, I'm busting out the seeds and garden tools.  Hopefully my garden will grow.

I'm loving life here.  It's hard not to.  I still have my struggles.  I still come apart at a moment's notice when I encounter too many emotional triggers right in a row.  And life continues to move forward.  I've learned to handle those moments, accept them, and let them happen knowing that it will pass. Knowing that I have so very many things to be grateful for even amongst all the loss. The pain has been eased by my Savior.  I don't have to feel it all by myself.

I Miss Sharing

**** I wrote this after my road trip and never published it, but here it is and I still feelt he same****

I remember when my best friend and roommate in college came back to school after returning from a school/humanitarian aid trip to Asia.  At the end of recounting stories of her adventures to me she said something along the lines of, "I just wish I had someone to share that kind of experience with."  I knew at that moment she was ready to get married. 

For the past 20 days I shared my life with my long time friend, Ben.  We embarked on a cross country road trip to Florida and back. That's a long time to spend with one person, especially if you aren't married.  I can honestly say I truly enjoyed every second of that trip.  I never once wished I was somewhere else.  When you spend that much time with someone, most of it one-on-one, you learn new things.  Even though Ben and I have been friends for 12 years now, I learned so much about him.

Towards the end of the trip, Ben was pretty eager to get back to sleeping in his own bed and not be living out of a suitcase.  I personally wasn't looking forward to the end of the trip.  In fact it was a little disappointing.  I didn't have a bed of my own, I didn't have a life full of other friends to hang out with and I still had a week before I started work.  Plus, the first day back was Jeremy's birthday... 4 days later would have been my 5th wedding anniversary.  I would have much rather been on the adventure of a road trip than be by myself in a new city.

The more I thought about it though, the big realization I had was that I really miss sharing my life with someone.   I miss companionship. It felt good to go on adventures and to share the everyday moments with Ben.  Everyday life is that much better when you share it with someone... even the boring mundane things don't seem as boring.  You learn to read someones body language and feel their moods.  You learn when you need to stay quiet and when to laugh.  You learn what drink to order them when you sit down for dinner.  You develop inside jokes and start to trust them with personal feelings.  You develop a connection.

I truly miss that part of being married... Sharing.

Epic Road Trip Part 3

After a blissful week in Florida, I reluctantly packed up my things, jumped in the car and started our trip back west.  We made a little stop in Chattanooga again and then headed towards Kansas City to meet up with our mutual friends the Broughs.  Our trip back was much quicker but we still managed to sneak in some really fun things. 

Our first night we stayed in St. Louis.  I had read about the Lantern Festival at the St. Louis Arboretum and because Ben is a good sport about putting up with my crazy ideas we enjoyed an evening walking around the gardens.  The next morning we walked across the street from the hotel to the St. Louis arch.  That thing is Tall!  We rode the elevator up the 635 feet to look out the windows at the Mississippi.  On our way out of town we stopped at the best BBQ place ever!

That afternoon we headed to Kansas City.  Ben found out that the Mariners (his favorite baseball team) was playing in Kansas City.  So we spontaneously decided to enjoy a baseball game together.  We stayed that night at the Great Wolf Lodge with the Broughs and more gaming commenced.  In the morning we played in the water park for a few hours and then hit the road to start the long trip back to Arizona. 

The last day of the trip we made a few stops to see some petroglyphs and the Petrified forest.  Ben was eager to get back to his own bed, so it was super nice of him to make the stops so I could get a stamp in my passport.  I wasn't so eager because I didn't have a bed to sleep in.  Plus I was loving every minute of our trip.  But I couldn't put off "real" life much longer.  We made it home 20 days after leaving.  I'm so very glad I went!  And so thankful Ben invited me!

Epic Road Trip Part 2

If you know me at all you know my very favorite place to be is at the beach.  I have had a love affair with the ocean for as long as I can remember!  I was most happy that our destination was a beach house on the Florida coast.  I'm a west coast girl and haven't spent any time in the Gulf or in the Atlantic Ocean.  I wasn't quite sure what to expect.  So I was VERY pleasantly surprised by how much I LOVED Cape San Blas.  The water was the perfect temperature.  We would stay out in the water just floating in the gentle waves and watch the sunset.  The beautiful cloud formations that would roll in daily were stunning.  And the vivid turquoise color of the water caught my breath every time.  The sun was not shy and we each got quite a bit of sun. 

Every morning we'd all lazily get up eat a quick breakfast then head down to the water.  The house had it's own access to it's own beach.  We'd tote down our stuff and then leave it there when we'd head in for lunch.  Ben and I went snorkeling during the day and night.  The night snorkel was pretty darn awesome.  First we stuck some glow sticks in the sand for his nephew to find.  Then when his nephew was done the two of us stayed out found us some good night life in the water, including a sting ray. 

Dinner time would find us all gathered around, freshly showered, eating delicious food.  Then the games would begin.  We'd stay up (Ben, his brother, his brother's brother in-law, and Ben's Dad) till about 1 in the morning.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  That week there just fueled my love affair with the ocean.  I think I might need a little yurt on that coast and on the pacific coast somewhere!

Epic Road Trip Part 1

 

I moved to Arizona the last week of June.  I say moved, but I didn't really unpack.  In fact, I loaded my car with all my necessities and drove to Arizona only to move my necessities from my car to Ben's car.  A few months earlier Ben invited me to join him on a cross country road trip to Florida.  I'm not sure he knew what he was getting himself into when he invited me.  In fact I'm not sure he thought I would say Yes!  But I'm a road trip kind of a girl, so I early agreed to hit the road with him.  We had a whole week to cross the country before meeting up with his family for their family reunion in Florida, so we took our sweet time.  Part of the point of the trip for Ben was to stop at some of the key "Diner, Dives and Drive-Ins" spots.  My goal was to cross off states on my list of states I need to see, oh and to get as many National Park Stamps in my NP Passport of course!

We zipped through New Mexico and spent most of our time in Texas.  Texas was awesome.  I had been to Texas two times before and wasn't so impressed but this time I loved it.  Some of the major highlights:

• Spending two crazy nights with Valerie and Chris.  We sat up putting Lego's together, playing epic games of Island Style Sorry, and eating Val's delicious "decadence" dessert.  I'm more true to myself when I am with them.  Plus their kids are so much fun!
• Touring around Ben's old mission stomping grounds in Houston.  Some of the places he served in were a little bit iffy.  But it was fun to listen to stories and hear his connection to that place.
• Blue Bell Ice Cream Factory-  On my visits to Arizona Megan, Erik and Ben had introduced me to the best ice cream: Blue Bell.  So we of course had to go tour the factory and sample some flavors.  It was delicious!

We left the state of Texas and enter the land of the Bayou's.  My goal was to see and eat alligator.  To my dismay alligator was in short supply and when I tried to order it... they were out.  But I did get to see alligators on the swamp tour.  We spent the 4th of July in New Orleans.  Watching the fireworks over the Mississippi was awesome. I enjoyed New Orleans.  I think there are some amazing parts to it... and some dirty parts.  I saw enough of Bourbon Street to never desire to see it again (not that I ever did in the first place).  There is so much water down there it is unbelievable.

We finally ended our drive east in Chattanooga at Ben's grandparents house.  Ben's family was so welcoming and made me feel right at home.  We went to the Aquarium first thing on Saturday.  Which is so kind of them to do something they knew I would love.  That Aquarium is AMAZING!  I've been to many aquarium in my travels and I think that one sits in the top 5 (probably the top 3)!  Our time in Chattanooga ended with me being stung by a bee (and I didn't bring my epi-pen).  Luckily I didn't go in to anaphalaxis shock... But my hand was so swollen that all my knuckles disappeared.  I ended up on an antibiotic a few days later because the swelling wouldn't go down and my hand was hot to the touch and red!