Unsettled

I need to write tonight. I'm learning that writing what is in my heart and soul is therapeutic and releases a burden my spirit feels.

I'm not really sure what is in my heart and soul right now. And I think that is what the problem is. So don't expect too much from this post.

I have been so anxious and unsettled these past few weeks. As I finished school a week ago, I've come to realize the time has come where I have to make new life decisions. I have to decide what my next move is going to be. And it's all been very unsettling.

Ever since I suddenly moved back to Utah, I've literally moved every 3 to 4 months. I guess you can say it's a lifestyle I've adapted to. Many of my favorite things from my life in Washington have remained in boxes. And every time I moved, less and less of my things have moved with me.

I thought I was ready to settle down. I was excited to pick a place to call my new home and move forward with life, until last week.

When the possibility of having to actually choose arose, I went into full panic mode. In a very emotional week, I came to realize why I was panicking; my next decision is in a very symbolic and real way me acknowledging that this phase of my life is done. That I am moving forward. There's no more little tiny hole for the possibility of reconciliation with Jeremy. While I didn't live the last year thinking that would happen... there was always the what if's lingering and a bit of hope. When I move forward with life. I am acknowledging that chapter of life is done. It's heartbreaking and scary.

It also means a life without my Dad. One that he isn't around to participate in. He's not here to give his input (even if I usually ended up doing what he didn't want me to do: move away), and that is really hard to accept. At least he knew this place that I'm living in now, and he knew I was going to be doing my student teaching. But now I feel like life is going to move past these milestones and he doesn't get to participate.

While part of me longs and yearns for a place to call home again, I sometimes wonder if I'm made to stay in one place for a long time. Maybe I'm meant to be a vagabond moving about. And then I remember my dear friends and can't imagine life without them.

Part of me longs to be out on an adventure, but deep down the core of me knows that no adventure is as fun by yourself as it is when you share it with someone else.

Most of my things will remain in boxes for months. I'm sure it will be a very emotional day when I am unpacking boxes that came from a different period of my life. Perhaps it will be a good emotional day. Perhaps I will finally feel settled again. Who knows.

And so while I wrestle with these realizations and the future possibilities I remain unsettled- heart and soul.