They say "Home is where the heart is." And that's just my problem right now. My heart is in so many pieces, and I've left those pieces in so many places that I don't quite know where I should go or where I should be.
There's a piece of my heart on the coast of California wading in the Pacific Ocean. Those granite sandy beaches constantly shaped by the crashing of waves calls to my toes and feet. The seemingly endless sun rays always ready to kiss my freckled cheeks, nose and shoulders. The slimy strands of kelp clinging to my legs begs me to dive and discover the mysteries held in the giant kelp forests. My heart will always long to be close to the ocean.
Utah also holds quite a bit of my heart. The Wasatch mountain skyline is embossed in the depths of my soul. The quickly changing ecosystems from cold desert scrub to high alpine peaks is so tantalizing to me. Plus Utah is where I first experienced 4 seasons. Not to mention that Utah is where I "grew" up as in; I became a young adult while living in Utah. Those were good years to me.
The lush green land and grey skies of Seattle hold a very special piece of my heart. One I'll never get back. While I never intended to stay in Washington when I moved there for graduate school, my heart told me something different half way through and I followed it. I'm a better women for it.
Washington's turbulent weather is what first captured my heart. I didn't quite understand the weather patterns that were happening and I decided to dedicate a big part of my graduate years to figuring out how it all works. I never knew the conversation about weather could be so very fascinating.
The people of Washington captured my heart as well. I met such amazing people... hippies, liberals, free thinkers, open minded, kind, welcoming people. People who I connected with in a way I never had before. A part of me was discovered and released. I felt a part of something bigger when I am with them. Plus I have this group of valiant, stalwart women and men I was blessed to be surrounded with during the most heart-wrenching experience of my life. I found love and lost it. Washington will always be home.
Then there is the cactus studded skies of Arizona. I escaped to Arizona when I left Washington last year. Nothing is more polar opposites than Arizona and Washington. But that's probably what has allowed me to let my heart be open again. It is such a foreign place to me. I threw myself into trying to learn the names of odd looking plants during that trip. And into the arms of loving friends. For some reason I feel a growing connection to this place. This place of dry, intense heat... and yet still full of life. The plants and animals have learned to live here; I feel I can too. Last year my life was like this land of dry, intense heat...yet still so full of life. And so, my connection grows even stronger.
I've thought about this word "Home" a lot. While some reserve it for the place they lay their head down at night. I use it freely to describe a place I feel alive and at peace. Home will always be a place created by ALL the places I've lived and the experiences I've had. Home is where the people I love are. Home is where I feel connected to the land. Home is where I feel most like ME!
I don't know where I'll end up living in the next few months. It may just be back where a piece of my heart is. Or it may be a new place that I will learn to love. That's one of my favorite things about me... I can find beauty and fall in love with so very many places. But this I know for sure: Wherever I end up living, will be HOME.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Unsettled
I need to write tonight. I'm learning that writing what is in my heart and soul is therapeutic and releases a burden my spirit feels.
I'm not really sure what is in my heart and soul right now. And I think that is what the problem is. So don't expect too much from this post.
I have been so anxious and unsettled these past few weeks. As I finished school a week ago, I've come to realize the time has come where I have to make new life decisions. I have to decide what my next move is going to be. And it's all been very unsettling.
Ever since I suddenly moved back to Utah, I've literally moved every 3 to 4 months. I guess you can say it's a lifestyle I've adapted to. Many of my favorite things from my life in Washington have remained in boxes. And every time I moved, less and less of my things have moved with me.
I thought I was ready to settle down. I was excited to pick a place to call my new home and move forward with life, until last week.
When the possibility of having to actually choose arose, I went into full panic mode. In a very emotional week, I came to realize why I was panicking; my next decision is in a very symbolic and real way me acknowledging that this phase of my life is done. That I am moving forward. There's no more little tiny hole for the possibility of reconciliation with Jeremy. While I didn't live the last year thinking that would happen... there was always the what if's lingering and a bit of hope. When I move forward with life. I am acknowledging that chapter of life is done. It's heartbreaking and scary.
It also means a life without my Dad. One that he isn't around to participate in. He's not here to give his input (even if I usually ended up doing what he didn't want me to do: move away), and that is really hard to accept. At least he knew this place that I'm living in now, and he knew I was going to be doing my student teaching. But now I feel like life is going to move past these milestones and he doesn't get to participate.
While part of me longs and yearns for a place to call home again, I sometimes wonder if I'm made to stay in one place for a long time. Maybe I'm meant to be a vagabond moving about. And then I remember my dear friends and can't imagine life without them.
Part of me longs to be out on an adventure, but deep down the core of me knows that no adventure is as fun by yourself as it is when you share it with someone else.
Most of my things will remain in boxes for months. I'm sure it will be a very emotional day when I am unpacking boxes that came from a different period of my life. Perhaps it will be a good emotional day. Perhaps I will finally feel settled again. Who knows.
And so while I wrestle with these realizations and the future possibilities I remain unsettled- heart and soul.
I'm not really sure what is in my heart and soul right now. And I think that is what the problem is. So don't expect too much from this post.
I have been so anxious and unsettled these past few weeks. As I finished school a week ago, I've come to realize the time has come where I have to make new life decisions. I have to decide what my next move is going to be. And it's all been very unsettling.
Ever since I suddenly moved back to Utah, I've literally moved every 3 to 4 months. I guess you can say it's a lifestyle I've adapted to. Many of my favorite things from my life in Washington have remained in boxes. And every time I moved, less and less of my things have moved with me.
I thought I was ready to settle down. I was excited to pick a place to call my new home and move forward with life, until last week.
When the possibility of having to actually choose arose, I went into full panic mode. In a very emotional week, I came to realize why I was panicking; my next decision is in a very symbolic and real way me acknowledging that this phase of my life is done. That I am moving forward. There's no more little tiny hole for the possibility of reconciliation with Jeremy. While I didn't live the last year thinking that would happen... there was always the what if's lingering and a bit of hope. When I move forward with life. I am acknowledging that chapter of life is done. It's heartbreaking and scary.
It also means a life without my Dad. One that he isn't around to participate in. He's not here to give his input (even if I usually ended up doing what he didn't want me to do: move away), and that is really hard to accept. At least he knew this place that I'm living in now, and he knew I was going to be doing my student teaching. But now I feel like life is going to move past these milestones and he doesn't get to participate.
While part of me longs and yearns for a place to call home again, I sometimes wonder if I'm made to stay in one place for a long time. Maybe I'm meant to be a vagabond moving about. And then I remember my dear friends and can't imagine life without them.
Part of me longs to be out on an adventure, but deep down the core of me knows that no adventure is as fun by yourself as it is when you share it with someone else.
Most of my things will remain in boxes for months. I'm sure it will be a very emotional day when I am unpacking boxes that came from a different period of my life. Perhaps it will be a good emotional day. Perhaps I will finally feel settled again. Who knows.
And so while I wrestle with these realizations and the future possibilities I remain unsettled- heart and soul.
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