Right after you died, I went for a hike along the foothills behind Huntsman and the JCC. My biggest fear at that moment was that I would forget you. I plead with Heavenly Father for ways to help me not forget. One of the pieces of inspiration I received that day hiking was to go every year to the Uinta's. I knew that was your favorite place here in Utah to hike. I had only been there twice with you; first to retrieve your stubborn, lost llamas and then to eat lunch at the Highline Trail Head after you recovered from surgery and had finished radiation. That day eating lunch I was still hopeful, as were you, that we'd get to hike together in August. It never happened.
It's Father's Day weekend. I miss you. Words can not describe the ache in my heart. At times I think the healing art of time is doing its thing- and then there are moments like this weekend of indescribable sadness and loss. Today I spent the day in the Uinta's. I haven't missed a year. I hiked a 4 mile loop that ended up being a way bigger adventure than I had planned on. Once I made it through the unexpected adventure part, I sat down by a beautiful alpine lake and sobbed. Instead of trying to fight the tears - I leaned into the emotion and penned these words to you;
I didn't develop my deep love of hiking until later in life, when it was too late to share it with you in person. I am grieving over the loss of hiking with you- of sharing the excitement and anticipation during the planning phase - the struggle of the climb- the elation and triumph of reaching that distant peak- the aching muscles and fatigue - and the complete satisfaction and sense of accomplishment on the drive home.
At least this is how I feel - I wonder if this is the same way you felt. I wish I knew.
I'm sure we would clean and pack away the gear while recounting the adventure- complaining about how crazy it was to do this and wondering why we go through all the work- yet knowing the whole time I'd do it again with you ANYTIME!
Oh, how I wish I got to experience this with you. While I never did a big hike with you in person - I know everytime I hike you are with me. You watch over me and keep me safe. Whenever I feel a little nervous about some part of my hike I just talk to you and ask for your help. It works everytime - It worked today when I lost my shoe in the snowfield. I carry a piece of you tied to my backpack each time I hike. Thank you for always showing up- Just like you did for me while you were alive.
I love you Dad. I am eternally great fun for the legacy you left me. I pray that you will always stay near to me my entire life.
Love always,
Goose
