As in I feel GREAT!
When I typed that into a chat session with my sister, she asked if she was really talking to Abbie. And I could honestly answer yes. The events leading up to my trip to Arizona, plus the time with dear friends there worked magic!
1. James, Alicia and Xander came to town Halloween weekend. I'm so happy we got to meet up and hang out. I feel so blessed to know them and to have their guidance. From our conversations, and the questions James asked I think it's time to start looking for a social life and to meet new people. I think it's time to stop looking at myself as broken, in need of some fixing. There is nothing wrong with me that should prevent me from making new friends, from dating and getting married again! If feels great to say that. It's freeing.
2. One day while walking on campus I was pondering over what lessons I was supposed to learn through experiencing divorce. What purpose did Heavenly Father have in allowing this to happen? Was I supposed to learn practical relationship things? How to be a better wife? How to communicate more effectively? How to survive on my own? While I'm sure I have learned some of that stuff. I really feel like this experience was for me to increase and solidify my testimony, my faith and my commitment to the Gospel. I now know the source of my hope and salvation. I now know that God watches over me and really prepares paths at any point that we can travel that lead back to Him. I know He loves me. I know the source of truth.
As I was pondering this I saw in my head a red rock plateau that I was walking on... enjoying life, having a testimony, but not really growing or progressing... feeling a bit lacking, but not really knowing it. Then I saw myself walking up a really steep incline... and realizing that through experiencing this really tough incline I feel a deeper anchor- a deeper knowledge, a more sure foundation. I just FEEL deeper, like I have experience in life that is now available to help others around me. I think that is one of the purposes that God had in mind when this happened... that I would be more SOLID, and therefore better able to help other people.
3. The timing of my trip to Arizona couldn't have been more perfect for me personally. I think the two previous events had my mind in the perfect position to take a break from the stresses in my life (school and my Dad's health) and ponder over this past year some more and over what I want this next year to be like. Being among trusted, dear friends (Megan Ruth, Erik, Jesse, and Ben) helped me to be able to vocalize my thoughts and concerns, to hear their testimonies and be reminded of who I am as a person. I was really reluctant to get back on the plane. I haven't felt more like myself in a very long time! Every time I make a trip down there, I fall a little bit more in love with that place.
As a result, I finally feel ready to make some goals (a real necessity in my life), to open myself up to new possibilities and to be happy even while in the midst of adversity.
And feeling happy, feels like myself!
