Letters to my Dad Part 3

Dear Dad,

Right after you died, I went for a hike along the foothills behind Huntsman and the JCC.  My biggest fear at that moment was that I would forget you. I plead with Heavenly Father for ways to help me not forget. One of the pieces of inspiration I received that day hiking was to go every year to the Uinta's.  I knew that was your favorite place here in Utah to hike.  I had only been there twice with you; first to retrieve your stubborn, lost llamas and then to eat lunch at the Highline Trail Head after you recovered from surgery and had finished radiation.  That day eating lunch I was still hopeful, as were you, that we'd get to hike together in August.  It never happened.

It's Father's Day weekend. I miss you. Words can not describe the ache in my heart. At times I think the healing art of time is doing its thing- and then there are moments like this weekend of indescribable sadness and loss. Today I spent the day in the Uinta's. I haven't missed a year. I hiked a 4 mile loop that ended up being a way bigger adventure than I had planned on. Once I made it through the unexpected adventure part, I sat down by a beautiful alpine lake and sobbed. Instead of trying to fight the tears - I leaned into the emotion and penned these words to you;

I didn't develop my deep love of hiking until later in life, when it was too late to share it with you in person. I am grieving over the loss of hiking with you- of sharing the excitement and anticipation during the planning phase - the struggle of the climb- the elation and triumph of reaching that distant peak- the aching muscles and fatigue - and the complete satisfaction and sense of accomplishment on the drive home. 

At least this is how I feel - I wonder if this is the same way you felt. I wish I knew.

I'm sure we would clean and pack away the gear while recounting the adventure- complaining about how crazy it was to do this and wondering why we go through all the work- yet knowing the whole time I'd do it again with you ANYTIME!

Oh, how I wish I got to experience this with you. While I never did a big hike with you in person - I know everytime I hike you are with me. You watch over me and keep me safe. Whenever I feel a little nervous about some part of my hike I just talk to you and ask for your help. It works everytime - It worked today when I lost my shoe in the snowfield. I carry a piece of you tied to my backpack each time I hike. Thank you for always showing up- Just like you did for me while you were alive.

I love you Dad. I am eternally great fun for the legacy you left me. I pray that you will always stay near to me my entire life.

Love always,

Goose

On Car Shopping and Internet Dating

I've gone almost 3 weeks without a car; 17 work days biking back and forth; 3 weekends ride sharing to get to social events.  Friends and Family keep asking me if I've found a car yet.  And to each I sigh, "No."  "Have you even looked?"  "Sort of."

In reality I've only gone to look at 2 cars in person.  But I've spent HOURS scouring the inter-tubes for THE car. While doing so today it dawned on me how similar the acts of car shopping and internet dating truly are.  My extremely brief encounter with internet dating may not afford me the true ins and outs of the sport.  So mainly I'm speaking with vast sweeping generalizations.  However from my observations of other close family and friends who have given the internet dating adventure a good try, I don't think I'm too far off.

It all starts with pictures.  As I flip through picture after picture I start an internal dialogue...

Will you be the one for me?  Can you get me to where I want to go? Do you fulfill my needs/wants?  Do our personalities match?  Are you high or low maintenance?  Will you just be a drain of time and money?  All sorts of prejudgments are made.

After one catches my eye I stare at picture after picture trying to imagine our life together. I start to make weekend plans and even plan our first adventurous road trip together.  And before I know it I'm in a relationship with a person  er, I mean, a car I've never met.

Then I take the risk and decide to meet face to face.  I'm nervous, skeptical really.  Will you live up to this picture of life I've painted for us?  Are your pictures accurate?  Does your "I enjoy the outdoors" vibe really mean you like looking at the outdoors OR do you really like to adventure outside?

When we finally meet... The ski rack on the roof from the pictures is missing...disappointment.

I look around, ask questions, seriously investigate.  After all, if I'm going to commit to you, I should know what I'm committing to.  The more time I'm with you and more questions I ask, your best features show up and your flaws appear.  I start to wonder if I can deal with that dent or ding.  What about that broken piece?  Do you like affection?*  Oops, I mean, how much TLC will I need to give you?

Not bad... Not sold either.  There was just something missing.  I didn't feel it. I drive away dejected and worn out. All that time researching wasted.  Maybe I need to go back to the drawing board. After I take a break from internet dating a car of course!  Then again maybe THE car is in another state...



I'm sure one day the process will pay off.  I'll find THE car meant for me.  It will take me on road trip adventures to new states and national parks.  And maybe, just maybe, if it's REALLY THE ONE, it might drive me to the place where I meet THE ONE.

*That question was asked of me on my first and only internet date.  Now can you see why it was a brief encounter?

And as a side note... Maybe it's just me that does her car shopping by feeling.  In an attempt to be less subjective and more objective, I spent HOURS today filling in this spread sheet my brother uses when he car shops.  This in uncharacteristic of me.  But I admit it has made me think twice about the car I feel I want.

Two Years

Two years ago today I endured one of the hardest days of my entire life.
Two years ago today as I walked out of the elevator and saw Jeremy for the first time in 96 days I melted into his arms and couldn't stop crying for hours.
Two years ago today for the first time in my life I stepped foot in a court of law and nodded my head to the judge that my marriage could not be saved.
Two years ago today I signed final papers officially ending my marriage and the future I had planned on. 
Two years ago today I could not imagine ever being happy ever again.
Two years ago today I was lost.

Two years later I feel immense gratitude for that experience.
Two years later I have more empathy and compassion for those around me.
Two years later I'm more forgiving,accepting and open.
Two years later my testimony of the gospel has deeper roots.
Two years later I have hope in the future- whatever it brings.
Two years later I know my strength, and where that strength comes from.
Two years later I have found myself again.
Two years later I am the happiest I've ever been- joy as exceeding as my pain.

And as I typed that I remembered this post I wrote back then and realize that it came true.  I am extremely blessed.

Walkers

I don't know what it is about me, but for some reason I attract males who use walkers...

Meet Lucas. Lucas loves to spit up, chew on his hands, slobber, eat split pea soup, and practice walking. I have a date with Lucas every Wednesday night. Lately more often than that.  Last weekend we rode in the back of his parents car for 8 hours together. He couldn't keep his eyes off me! For almost the entire 8 hours he stared at me. Even in the dark. When I thought he was sleeping, I'd push a button on my cell phone to use as a light to check on him... and his giant eyes would be wide open starring at me. It became a little creepy. I think he's infatuated.

A while ago I followed the advice of a friend and signed up for a LDS dating website. Not much has come from it. A few conversations. A date (who promptly asked how many kids I wanted to have. Seriously. He didn't even know my last name at that point. Sheesh. Slow down buddy). And a lot of men "looking" at my profile. When one of those men "like" a picture or send me a flirt I get an email. I'm not going to lie, something leaps inside of me when one of those emails pop up. Butterflies.

A strange pattern has emerged. Most of these likes and flirts are coming from older men. As in OLDER men.

GCDOW- age 58
LEO03- age 57
GEORGE1 - age 65

I could go on, but I think you get the picture.  I don't know what it is about my profile that screams, "Hey Guys, I'm only 32, but I like my men OLD!"  Are they just trying to be nice? Trying to boost a girls confidence?  I don't get it.  I'm often mistaken to be way younger than I am.  What about this profile picture entices the guys who are 20+ year older than me to flirt with me.  That's like having my Dad flirt with me.  CREEPY!

And just to prove a point. I went to church with friends last weekend in California. As we were walking to class we passed an OLDER gentleman walking very slowly with a walker. I walked into the room first, found us a place to sit and we all sat down and visited quietly waiting for the class to start. The before mentioned older gentleman entered the room, and paused at the front for a few seconds. He headed towards me. I just thought he was going to take a seat. Instead he comes right up to me and asks me to give the opening prayer. Out of everyone in the room, many people whom he knows, he some how found and approached me. I leaned over to Megan right before the prayer and said, "See, I attract males who use walkers."

Heaven help us all if this is how my post-divorce dating life continues... That's not to say I haven't had some wonderful dates or haven't met some awesome people...it's just a recent trend.

Because It's Time

Life has been pretty much non-stop since school started. Here's a little bit of what has been going on...


First day of school

8th graders are a whole different subspecies of humans.  They are equal parts frustrating and entertaining.  I'm constantly being amused and annoyed by their behavior.  My "honeymoon" to teaching wore off pretty quickly.  Within a few weeks, I was calling my Mom crying.  I generally haven't had many problems with classroom management but I'm having some difficulties this time around.  I'm still trying to figure it out and am totally satisfied with approaching this year as a learning process.  One day my instructional coach from the district came in to observe.  Afterwards he said, "You have an amazing lesson planned out.  It was perfect.  But the kids are killing it."

I spent sometime, reluctantly, trying to remember what it was like to be an 8th grader again.  I think that has helped me to calm down and not expect perfection from them or from me.  I now feel very sorry for my 8th grade teachers.

In the beginning it was really easy to just spend all my time at school.  I never thought I was prepared enough for the next day, so I'd spend all my time there.  I figured I didn't really have anything else going on in my life so I might as well spend it at work.  After my first weekend with no school work passed, I decided to restore some balance.  While school still takes up the majority of my life, I've incorporated some daily/weekly rituals that help me walk away and feel satisfied in all areas of life.

• Weekly dinner with Megan and Erik.  The biggest pull to deciding to move to Arizona was the fact that Megan and Erik live here.  Thankfully they live a short 8 minute drive away.  We've started a weekly tradition of having dinner together.  I go over after school and hang out with Megan and the two kids until Erik comes home for dinner.  I love being at their house.  I'm so grateful to have their support and friendship.  They are my family here.

Megan coached me through my first singles conference last weekend. Before each event I would text Megan a picture of my outfit to get approval.   I often still feel a little socially awkward, but with Megan's constant help, I'm improving... and I even had a great conversation with a cute guy!

• Weekly Institute class.  In an effort to meet new people I go to a mid-singles institute class.  The teacher is fabulous and I'm slowly meeting new people.  It's nice to have a constant
• I started a garden.  While the majority of you are hunkering down for the winter, I'm busting out the seeds and garden tools.  Hopefully my garden will grow.

I'm loving life here.  It's hard not to.  I still have my struggles.  I still come apart at a moment's notice when I encounter too many emotional triggers right in a row.  And life continues to move forward.  I've learned to handle those moments, accept them, and let them happen knowing that it will pass. Knowing that I have so very many things to be grateful for even amongst all the loss. The pain has been eased by my Savior.  I don't have to feel it all by myself.

I Miss Sharing

**** I wrote this after my road trip and never published it, but here it is and I still feelt he same****

I remember when my best friend and roommate in college came back to school after returning from a school/humanitarian aid trip to Asia.  At the end of recounting stories of her adventures to me she said something along the lines of, "I just wish I had someone to share that kind of experience with."  I knew at that moment she was ready to get married. 

For the past 20 days I shared my life with my long time friend, Ben.  We embarked on a cross country road trip to Florida and back. That's a long time to spend with one person, especially if you aren't married.  I can honestly say I truly enjoyed every second of that trip.  I never once wished I was somewhere else.  When you spend that much time with someone, most of it one-on-one, you learn new things.  Even though Ben and I have been friends for 12 years now, I learned so much about him.

Towards the end of the trip, Ben was pretty eager to get back to sleeping in his own bed and not be living out of a suitcase.  I personally wasn't looking forward to the end of the trip.  In fact it was a little disappointing.  I didn't have a bed of my own, I didn't have a life full of other friends to hang out with and I still had a week before I started work.  Plus, the first day back was Jeremy's birthday... 4 days later would have been my 5th wedding anniversary.  I would have much rather been on the adventure of a road trip than be by myself in a new city.

The more I thought about it though, the big realization I had was that I really miss sharing my life with someone.   I miss companionship. It felt good to go on adventures and to share the everyday moments with Ben.  Everyday life is that much better when you share it with someone... even the boring mundane things don't seem as boring.  You learn to read someones body language and feel their moods.  You learn when you need to stay quiet and when to laugh.  You learn what drink to order them when you sit down for dinner.  You develop inside jokes and start to trust them with personal feelings.  You develop a connection.

I truly miss that part of being married... Sharing.

Epic Road Trip Part 3

After a blissful week in Florida, I reluctantly packed up my things, jumped in the car and started our trip back west.  We made a little stop in Chattanooga again and then headed towards Kansas City to meet up with our mutual friends the Broughs.  Our trip back was much quicker but we still managed to sneak in some really fun things. 

Our first night we stayed in St. Louis.  I had read about the Lantern Festival at the St. Louis Arboretum and because Ben is a good sport about putting up with my crazy ideas we enjoyed an evening walking around the gardens.  The next morning we walked across the street from the hotel to the St. Louis arch.  That thing is Tall!  We rode the elevator up the 635 feet to look out the windows at the Mississippi.  On our way out of town we stopped at the best BBQ place ever!

That afternoon we headed to Kansas City.  Ben found out that the Mariners (his favorite baseball team) was playing in Kansas City.  So we spontaneously decided to enjoy a baseball game together.  We stayed that night at the Great Wolf Lodge with the Broughs and more gaming commenced.  In the morning we played in the water park for a few hours and then hit the road to start the long trip back to Arizona. 

The last day of the trip we made a few stops to see some petroglyphs and the Petrified forest.  Ben was eager to get back to his own bed, so it was super nice of him to make the stops so I could get a stamp in my passport.  I wasn't so eager because I didn't have a bed to sleep in.  Plus I was loving every minute of our trip.  But I couldn't put off "real" life much longer.  We made it home 20 days after leaving.  I'm so very glad I went!  And so thankful Ben invited me!

Epic Road Trip Part 2

If you know me at all you know my very favorite place to be is at the beach.  I have had a love affair with the ocean for as long as I can remember!  I was most happy that our destination was a beach house on the Florida coast.  I'm a west coast girl and haven't spent any time in the Gulf or in the Atlantic Ocean.  I wasn't quite sure what to expect.  So I was VERY pleasantly surprised by how much I LOVED Cape San Blas.  The water was the perfect temperature.  We would stay out in the water just floating in the gentle waves and watch the sunset.  The beautiful cloud formations that would roll in daily were stunning.  And the vivid turquoise color of the water caught my breath every time.  The sun was not shy and we each got quite a bit of sun. 

Every morning we'd all lazily get up eat a quick breakfast then head down to the water.  The house had it's own access to it's own beach.  We'd tote down our stuff and then leave it there when we'd head in for lunch.  Ben and I went snorkeling during the day and night.  The night snorkel was pretty darn awesome.  First we stuck some glow sticks in the sand for his nephew to find.  Then when his nephew was done the two of us stayed out found us some good night life in the water, including a sting ray. 

Dinner time would find us all gathered around, freshly showered, eating delicious food.  Then the games would begin.  We'd stay up (Ben, his brother, his brother's brother in-law, and Ben's Dad) till about 1 in the morning.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  That week there just fueled my love affair with the ocean.  I think I might need a little yurt on that coast and on the pacific coast somewhere!

Epic Road Trip Part 1

 

I moved to Arizona the last week of June.  I say moved, but I didn't really unpack.  In fact, I loaded my car with all my necessities and drove to Arizona only to move my necessities from my car to Ben's car.  A few months earlier Ben invited me to join him on a cross country road trip to Florida.  I'm not sure he knew what he was getting himself into when he invited me.  In fact I'm not sure he thought I would say Yes!  But I'm a road trip kind of a girl, so I early agreed to hit the road with him.  We had a whole week to cross the country before meeting up with his family for their family reunion in Florida, so we took our sweet time.  Part of the point of the trip for Ben was to stop at some of the key "Diner, Dives and Drive-Ins" spots.  My goal was to cross off states on my list of states I need to see, oh and to get as many National Park Stamps in my NP Passport of course!

We zipped through New Mexico and spent most of our time in Texas.  Texas was awesome.  I had been to Texas two times before and wasn't so impressed but this time I loved it.  Some of the major highlights:

• Spending two crazy nights with Valerie and Chris.  We sat up putting Lego's together, playing epic games of Island Style Sorry, and eating Val's delicious "decadence" dessert.  I'm more true to myself when I am with them.  Plus their kids are so much fun!
• Touring around Ben's old mission stomping grounds in Houston.  Some of the places he served in were a little bit iffy.  But it was fun to listen to stories and hear his connection to that place.
• Blue Bell Ice Cream Factory-  On my visits to Arizona Megan, Erik and Ben had introduced me to the best ice cream: Blue Bell.  So we of course had to go tour the factory and sample some flavors.  It was delicious!

We left the state of Texas and enter the land of the Bayou's.  My goal was to see and eat alligator.  To my dismay alligator was in short supply and when I tried to order it... they were out.  But I did get to see alligators on the swamp tour.  We spent the 4th of July in New Orleans.  Watching the fireworks over the Mississippi was awesome. I enjoyed New Orleans.  I think there are some amazing parts to it... and some dirty parts.  I saw enough of Bourbon Street to never desire to see it again (not that I ever did in the first place).  There is so much water down there it is unbelievable.

We finally ended our drive east in Chattanooga at Ben's grandparents house.  Ben's family was so welcoming and made me feel right at home.  We went to the Aquarium first thing on Saturday.  Which is so kind of them to do something they knew I would love.  That Aquarium is AMAZING!  I've been to many aquarium in my travels and I think that one sits in the top 5 (probably the top 3)!  Our time in Chattanooga ended with me being stung by a bee (and I didn't bring my epi-pen).  Luckily I didn't go in to anaphalaxis shock... But my hand was so swollen that all my knuckles disappeared.  I ended up on an antibiotic a few days later because the swelling wouldn't go down and my hand was hot to the touch and red!

1st Annual David Smith Memorial Uinta Trip

I really wanted to start our annual trip this year.  I had thought we'd go for a few days in July, but as my summer plans changed and I got a job in Arizona it became apparent that a trip in July wasn't really feasible.  So I propsed at the last minute to my little brother a quick over night trip in June right before I move.  He was game, and so was my brother Mike.

We packed up what camping gear we could find, loaded up the cars and headed off for a night in the Uinta's.  I've never stayed the night here.  It's amazing.  The stars are magnificent.

3 of my nephews came along with us.  As soon as we claimed a spot, we headed to the lake (Mirror Lake) and spent a few hours fishing and playing in the water.  It was gloriously warm and sunny.  Water has a power of it's own.

We then came back to camp, changed in to dry warm clothes, started a fire and roasted hotdogs and marshmellows.  The boys thought the fire would burn them.  They then spent the rest of their time killing "spiders."  Finally when the sun set and it was getting dark, we sat around the fire.

All the boys (big and little) are sleeping now.  I'm sitting by the fire, thinking of my Dad.  He would have loved to be here with his sons and grandsons.  I can picture him sitting on his camp chair by the lake watching them play.  He'd be so proud as he watched his own sons with their sons.  My brothers did note that he would be dissappointed in our food choices (it was last minute and we didn't want to bring all the gear to wash dishes).  But don't worry Dad, I'm sleeping in your mummy bag on a blue tarp tonight.  I think you'd be happy about that.

I hope to make this an annual thing... and for longer than one night.  Some years I hope to backpack into his favorite lake (Allen Lake) sans Llamas however.  But for now, I'm happy I got to go before I move.  I'm really happy to share this experience with two of my brothers and their boys.  And with my Dad.  He's always around.
This is what the first Annual David Smith Memorial Uinta Trip looked like....

Forgetting

Dad loved to wear a Santa Hat during Christmas

The thing I fear most is forgetting. Particularly forgetting what it felt like to hug my Dad, or have him place his hands on my head. I'm afraid of forgetting his voice calling me, "Goose" or making up songs and singing them as we drive or clean.

Sometimes I wonder why it's so easy to forget the good things of life. The happy memories and feelings. And yet so hard to forget pain, heartache and anguish.

I don't really have an answer to that. But I miss my Dad. I'm afraid I'm forgetting

There are two places I go where I feel like I can talk to my Dad again; both mountains. The literal mountains and the mountain of the Lord- temples.
It wasn't long after my Dad passed away that the fear of forgetting him started to swell up inside me.  I wasn't afraid that I'd forget that he lived or that he was my Dad, but that I would forget the tiny things- the quirks, the sayings, the expressions, the looks that made up my Dad.  It wouldn't be something that happened consciously, but more of a slow slip from my memory that I wouldn't know was happening until it was too late.

My friend Emily sent me a text message after she heard about my Dad's passing.  She had lost her Dad suddenly 2 years earlier.  I expressed my fear of forgetting... especially forgetting what he sounds like.  I still am.  In fact, I haven't heard his voice since December 27, 2011.  I miss it.

The Monday after my Dad passed away I went for a hike.  Hiking is therapy for me.  I escape a little bit from the busyness that surrounds typical life, and just get to enjoy the natural beauty of this earth, ponder, meditate and pray all while hiking.  Sometimes I stop and do it.  Other times I have an ongoing conversation with Heavenly Father as I walk.  That day I expressed my fear of forgetting my Dad.  I expressed how worried I was that my future family wouldn't get to know him in this life.  They won't know what it is like to be hugged my him, to sit on his lap, to hear him pray over them, to hear him sing songs he made up.  I mourn over those losses.  So as I hiked I wanted some inspiration of how to remember my Dad, how to carry his legacy on, and how to honor him and the people, places and things he loved in this world.

3 things came into my thoughts...

1. Keep his shirts and make a blanket out of them.  When I wanted a hug from my Dad I could wrap myself up and be surrounded by him.  I decided to also give my siblings something.  I didn't have enough to make them all quilts so I made them pillow cases and gave it to them on Father's Day this year.

2. Start a yearly David Smith Memorial Uinta trip.  My Dad went hiking in the Uinta's each summer starting with the boyscouts in Oak City.  Those trips are the stuff legends are made of. 

3.  Hike the whole Pacific Crest Trail (PCT).  When we lived in California my Dad set the ambitious goal of hiking the PCT.  It runs from the Mexican to the Canadian Boarder.  Every now and then he'd go hike for a few days doing a section at a time.  Usually he took my brother Rob.  Once I got to go.  I've been fascinated by the idea of hiking it for a long time.  In fact, when my Dad came to Washington to move me back to Utah last year, I mentioned I just might go hike the trail.  Worried for my safety, he advised against it at the time.  But if I can rope people to do portions of it with me each year, I think he would approve.

These pieces of inspiration have brought me much comfort over the last 6 months since his passing.  I know these won't satisfy all my fears.  But I think that by actively participating in the activities he loved to do, I can honor and remember him.

Nothing brings me more comfort and satisfaction than seeing that my nephews still remember Grandpa David.  A few days ago I was browsing through some pictures, when my nephews saw a picture and exclaimed, "Hey, that's Grandpa David!"  They often ask me to show them pictures of him.  I loved going to Dad's grave and seeing notes about Grandpa David left there by my two oldest nephews. 

I also love to tell them things about Grandpa.  On the way up to camp this last weekend, Andy asked my nephew Danny if he knew why we were driving all this way to go camping.  Andy then explained that this was Grandpa's favorite place to come.  The next day I said something about how Grandpa loved it up here, and turned to Danny and said, "Did you know that."  "Yep, you and Dad told me that in the car."  I hope they continue to remember Grandpa, and share those memories with me too!

Home

They say "Home is where the heart is." And that's just my problem right now. My heart is in so many pieces, and I've left those pieces in so many places that I don't quite know where I should go or where I should be.

There's a piece of my heart on the coast of California wading in the Pacific Ocean. Those granite sandy beaches constantly shaped by the crashing of waves calls to my toes and feet. The seemingly endless sun rays always ready to kiss my freckled cheeks, nose and shoulders. The slimy strands of kelp clinging to my legs begs me to dive and discover the mysteries held in the giant kelp forests. My heart will always long to be close to the ocean.

Utah also holds quite a bit of my heart. The Wasatch mountain skyline is embossed in the depths of my soul. The quickly changing ecosystems from cold desert scrub to high alpine peaks is so tantalizing to me. Plus Utah is where I first experienced 4 seasons. Not to mention that Utah is where I "grew" up as in; I became a young adult while living in Utah. Those were good years to me.

The lush green land and grey skies of Seattle hold a very special piece of my heart. One I'll never get back. While I never intended to stay in Washington when I moved there for graduate school, my heart told me something different half way through and I followed it. I'm a better women for it.

Washington's turbulent weather is what first captured my heart. I didn't quite understand the weather patterns that were happening and I decided to dedicate a big part of my graduate years to figuring out how it all works. I never knew the conversation about weather could be so very fascinating.

The people of Washington captured my heart as well. I met such amazing people... hippies, liberals, free thinkers, open minded, kind, welcoming people. People who I connected with in a way I never had before. A part of me was discovered and released. I felt a part of something bigger when I am with them. Plus I have this group of valiant, stalwart women and men I was blessed to be surrounded with during the most heart-wrenching experience of my life. I found love and lost it. Washington will always be home.

Then there is the cactus studded skies of Arizona. I escaped to Arizona when I left Washington last year. Nothing is more polar opposites than Arizona and Washington. But that's probably what has allowed me to let my heart be open again. It is such a foreign place to me. I threw myself into trying to learn the names of odd looking plants during that trip. And into the arms of loving friends. For some reason I feel a growing connection to this place. This place of dry, intense heat... and yet still full of life. The plants and animals have learned to live here; I feel I can too. Last year my life was like this land of dry, intense heat...yet still so full of life. And so, my connection grows even stronger.

I've thought about this word "Home" a lot. While some reserve it for the place they lay their head down at night. I use it freely to describe a place I feel alive and at peace. Home will always be a place created by ALL the places I've lived and the experiences I've had. Home is where the people I love are. Home is where I feel connected to the land. Home is where I feel most like ME!

I don't know where I'll end up living in the next few months. It may just be back where a piece of my heart is. Or it may be a new place that I will learn to love. That's one of my favorite things about me... I can find beauty and fall in love with so very many places. But this I know for sure: Wherever I end up living, will be HOME.

Unsettled

I need to write tonight. I'm learning that writing what is in my heart and soul is therapeutic and releases a burden my spirit feels.

I'm not really sure what is in my heart and soul right now. And I think that is what the problem is. So don't expect too much from this post.

I have been so anxious and unsettled these past few weeks. As I finished school a week ago, I've come to realize the time has come where I have to make new life decisions. I have to decide what my next move is going to be. And it's all been very unsettling.

Ever since I suddenly moved back to Utah, I've literally moved every 3 to 4 months. I guess you can say it's a lifestyle I've adapted to. Many of my favorite things from my life in Washington have remained in boxes. And every time I moved, less and less of my things have moved with me.

I thought I was ready to settle down. I was excited to pick a place to call my new home and move forward with life, until last week.

When the possibility of having to actually choose arose, I went into full panic mode. In a very emotional week, I came to realize why I was panicking; my next decision is in a very symbolic and real way me acknowledging that this phase of my life is done. That I am moving forward. There's no more little tiny hole for the possibility of reconciliation with Jeremy. While I didn't live the last year thinking that would happen... there was always the what if's lingering and a bit of hope. When I move forward with life. I am acknowledging that chapter of life is done. It's heartbreaking and scary.

It also means a life without my Dad. One that he isn't around to participate in. He's not here to give his input (even if I usually ended up doing what he didn't want me to do: move away), and that is really hard to accept. At least he knew this place that I'm living in now, and he knew I was going to be doing my student teaching. But now I feel like life is going to move past these milestones and he doesn't get to participate.

While part of me longs and yearns for a place to call home again, I sometimes wonder if I'm made to stay in one place for a long time. Maybe I'm meant to be a vagabond moving about. And then I remember my dear friends and can't imagine life without them.

Part of me longs to be out on an adventure, but deep down the core of me knows that no adventure is as fun by yourself as it is when you share it with someone else.

Most of my things will remain in boxes for months. I'm sure it will be a very emotional day when I am unpacking boxes that came from a different period of my life. Perhaps it will be a good emotional day. Perhaps I will finally feel settled again. Who knows.

And so while I wrestle with these realizations and the future possibilities I remain unsettled- heart and soul.

Flowers

As Valentines day approached this year, I was dreading it just a little bit. I've always like Valentines, but mostly because of my Dad and Mom. In my family there are two Valentines Day traditions. My mom always made heart shaped Sugar cookies with yummy pink frosting. And then she'd pipe our names on one in white frosting. I love those cookies. My Dad always sent me flowers and a poem he wrote. No matter where I was flowers magically appeared. But I knew this year neither of those would happen (because I'm not eating sugar, and Dad's not around).

At school the kids could buy a rose or a candy bar and have it delivered to the person of their choice. The day before Valentines one of my little 7th graders received a rose during class. She turned BRIGHT RED and all the boys in the class started to tease her. And in that moment I remembered the first time I received flowers from my Dad.

It was Feb. 1995, I was a freshman in my new small school, Delta High. I didn't have many friends just yet and I longed for a boy to like me (puberty I tell ya). I got called to the office and there on the counter was a giant bouquet of flowers. My heart skipped a beat. Did someone like me?!

Yes, someone did. My dad. I remember feeling really embarrassed that my Dad sent me flowers. And now I had to ride the bus all the way home with the group of boys I liked the most teasing me.

So I stopped the class and to try to turn the attention away from this girl so her skin color could turn to normal, I told that story to my students. And about how my Dad never missed a Valentines day and that this was my first one (being single) without him. Then suddenly the arm of one of the boys shot up, "Ms. Smith, I know what you should do. You should take your Dad some flowers on Valentines day."

I just shook my head and tried to hold back the tears.

To my surprise just when I thought I'd have my first Valentines without flowers a large bouquet of flowers showed up to school.

I miss my Dad. And I imagine I will miss him most on Valentines Day. But I'll be taking him some flowers each year, as my thoughtful student suggested.

Love you Dad!

In my Element

I started my student teaching earlier this month.  I was placed at Olympus Jr. High here in Salt Lake.  I'm REALLY liking it so far.  I completely took over teaching the 7th grade classes this week and I'll be taking over 9th as well next week.  I was a bit nervous and worried how to switch from one teacher who has a different classroom management style than I prefer, but I just laid down the law for my 7th graders and they seem to be going along with it.

Today, my third day in charge, my mentor teacher left on a field trip.  I felt completely at ease and in control.  Each day this week, as I've began class I have just had a feeling like I'm in my element.  It's an awesome feeling.  It's not just feeling capable, but a reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.  I love that.

One of my new favorite words is Skelitive.  On Monday I did a little pre-assessment activity, and one kid listed under the different body systems- Skelitive.  It was classic. 

My biggest challenge, is doing all the details of my lesson plans.  I have great, big ideas.  But putting forth all the effort in the details to make the big ideas happen.... is a bit painful.  It's been that way my whole life.  Hopefully one day it will get easier... or I'll find a teacher who likes to collaborate AND who is good at details.  In the meantime, my Mom has offered to help (Perk #289 for living with my Mom).

Over and Over

"I don't want to start over."

That's what I told my mom last night.  Being at school with middle schooler's is such a nice distraction from life.  I'm really enjoying.  But by the time my mom got home last night, I just couldn't keep the tears back.  I was consumed by the above thought.

See, I spent Saturday afternoon with my friend Dave Ullah.  We've been friends since Fall of 2000.  That's 11 years!  We went to lunch at a Middle Eastern place (I wanted ethnic, Dave is Pakistani), then toured some geothermal homes I was interested in and ended up at the Millcreek nursery spending over an hour helping Dave pick some house plants and pots for those plants.  Conversation is always good with Dave.  We started talking about his dating life... then it turned to mine (I don't have one).  Dave asked the litmus question, "Was I ready to start dating?"  I've been thinking about it for awhile now.  And I told him yes!  It's even made it on my list of 24 things to do in 2012.  I was feeling optimistic.  I told him I intended to attend the single adult ward here in Salt Lake.  He said, "Don't go with high expectations.  I went once and I've never been back."  (He goes to his family ward)

I went to church, I wasn't too nervous because the librarian at my school is in my ward so I figured I'd have an automatic friend.  I'm friendly, and I like people, but I can be quiet and reserved when I don't know anyone.  I walked in to church and was completely overwhelmed with how EXTREMELY HUGE the ward is.  I'm telling you it's more like a stake conference than a ward.  Really.  I wouldn't lie about that.  I don't know how I'll ever see the same people twice.  Ironically, one of my oldest brothers good friend from California goes to that ward.  When I saw him in Sunday school he turned around and said, "Abbie, aren't you like still 18... you're not supposed to be here."

Needless to say, I came home from church feeling really lost and insignificant, and overwhelmed.  How am I ever going to make friends, meet people to date?  I told my mom that afternoon that I hope people I know, know people that they think I should meet and go on a date with because I don't think I can do this again.

Then snowpocalypse hits Seattle, and I'm feeling really homesick.  Homesick for those wonderful days bundled up at home with Jeremy.  Homesick for my friends in Seattle and other places.  I have THE most awesome friends, and I just want to be with you all... not trying to make new ones.

I'm trying to tell myself to stay OPEN (my word for 2012). 
I'm not giving up. 

(but seriously... know anyone you think I'd get along with?)

Year in Review via Cupcakes

After I read through my year in review post I realized there were major parts of my life missing that I didn't want to forget.  Like how incredibly happy I am that I got to build friendships with all my nephews.  They are so precious!

 

  

And then there are all the cupcakes (and other baked goods) I made this year.  I don't know what it is about cupcakes specifically, but I love them.  I think for me it's the giving them away part that is the best.  The first time I made a batch in Kirkland and drove around giving them away (so I wouldn't eat them all) really got me hooked.  I loved seeing the surprise on everyone's faces.  Nothing better... maybe I should be a delivery person for a flowershop or something.  I think I get the same feeling day in and day out!

January- Alicia's Lil' Peanut Baby Shower

February- I made Kumquat cupcakes and delivered to some friends before I moved (no pictures)

March- Birthday Cupcakes for my 3 sister in-laws.  I think it's cool that they all have birthdays in March

  

July and August- I branched our with Cake Pops for Pioneer Day and a Trifle for Joie's birthday

October- Churro Cupcakes for final in Content Area Literacy

 

November- Apple Strussel Cheesecake Bites for my birthday... and then again for Thanksgiving

December- For Alina's baby shower I made Chocolate and Raspberry cupcakes

And I attempted to make Llama cupcakes for my Dad's birthday

Year in Review

I'm finally settling into my room at my parents apartment in Salt Lake City.  Life has been so full these past two weeks that I haven't unpacked until today.  As I did so I came across my green planner that my sister put in my care box she gave to me the morning I moved to Utah.  It was an awful time in my life, and she was so thoughtful to send me off with a box full of things to bring me comfort.  The note on my planner said, "To plan for your new future."  Tonight I picked up the planner and started to thumb through it.  So much has happened this year.

As the end of the year approached, my family and I had been seriously anticipating the close of this most trying year.  We talked and talked about how glad we would be to see this year end and leave us alone.  Then my Dad passed away on December 30th.  While I knew for months that my Dad wouldn't make it to the new year, it was a difficult, yet peaceful day.

I found myself on New Years Eve, eating dinner with my whole family (expect Dad) realizing I didn't feel as happy as I thought I'd be to be seeing the year end.  It meant, I'd never see my Dad for the rest of my mortal life.  It meant I'd probably never see Jeremy again.  It meant the end to so much that I loved, and while I am hopeful for the future, it was a hard realization for me.

I tried hard that night to stop reflecting on the hard things of the year and focus on all the good things that happened... there were so many.  So here's the 2011 RECAP (the good and the not so good):

January...the most stressful, trying month of my life to date.  Jeremy and I separated at the end of the month.

February...I packed up my life and belongings and moved to Utah. My awesome sister's in-law filled up my first few days back in Utah (I don't know if they did it on purpose, but it was the best thing that could have happened).  Met up with my life time friend Melanie for lunch.  Took a last minute trip to Cali to see my grandparents.  Had an awesome job interview, was offered the job, but for some reason I felt it wasn't right and turned it down.  Val and Chris graciously fly me out to D.C. to spend just over a week with them and then to Arizona to be with Megan Ruth.

March... While in Arizona, Mom calls and tells me they've found a mass in my Dad's brain.  The day I fly back we meet with the doctors and Dad is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.  My sisters come home right before surgery and I ask the amazing Justin Hackworth to take pictures while we hold a family dinner.  Best decision of the YEAR!  Spent my days taking Dad from one doctor's appointment to the next.  Dad has successful brain surgery.

April... Most days spent at home helping to take care of Dad post surgery.  Ran a 5K with Val and Chris in SLC.  Went to Melanie's baby shower.  Had my first interview with Ogden Valley Science School.  We host a HUGELY successful garage sale.

May... Ran the Provo 5K with Katie.  Attended first Rooftop Concert with Andy and Alina.  Flew to Seattle.  Spent a wonderful day with Amanda, Zoe and Alton.  Went to court the next day, upon seeing Jeremy for the first time since February, I can't stop crying.  WORST DAY EVER.  Had a lovely lunch with my Kirkland friends (I miss you all terribly)!  Flew back to Salt Lake and started my summer job as Summer Program Director for Ogden Valley Science School.

June... Moved to Eden!  Started camp and completed 3 successful weeks.  Visited my cousin, Jessica, in Bear Lake and helped with her Fight Against Cancer 5K.

Somewhere in there I planted my parents garden that Dad wanted so badly!

July... We had the BEST Smith Family 4th of July ever!  Completed 2 more successful weeks of camp.  Rob, Katie, Lincoln and Sawyer come visit me in Eden.  Threw and awesome Pioneer Day party (complete with friends from Washington who POPPED in).  Lunch with the Brough's and Dave Ullah.  Ben came from Arizona to visit me at camp in Eden.  Road trip to the Uinta's to have lunch with Dad at the trail head.

August... Finished camp and the relaxed in sunny St. George with the Burnham's.  Ran my first (and last) 1/2 marathon.  The Hartely's came to visit, we had dinner with the Burnham's.  Moved in with my little brother and family and quickly started classes at BYU.

September... Nathan came to visit just before school officially took over my life.  Dad had his first stroke, spent the night in the ER.  Had a wonderful time at my cousin's wedding.

October... Finished 2 classes, started one more.  Rooftop concert with new friend from school.  Started spending Tuesday and Thursday afternoons with my Dad = best decision of the year.  BYU football game with the Mo's and Dave Ullah. Awesome Imagine Dragons concert at Velour with Emily.

November...Spent my 31st birthday in Arizona.  Hiked around the Natural Bridge.  Caught up with my childhood friend, Jesse, after I don't know how many years.  Saw the best RV demolition derby EVER with The Guderian's, the Lindstrom's and Ben.  Dad was honored at the JCC.  First thanksgiving with my family after 6 years = I got to eat stuffing and gravy!


December...Finished classes (straight A's)!  Moved to SLC.  Spent as much time with my Dad and family as possible including Zoo lights, temple square, a fantastic birthday party for my dad and a wonderful family Christmas party.  Dinner with Val, Chris, Melanie and Mark.  Dad passed away and we spent New Year's eve as a family.

Letters to My Dad, Part 2

** This letter was written to my Dad and placed in a notebook with letters from other family members back in 2009 for my Dad's 60th birthday **

Dear Daddy,

I don’t know that words could ever adequately express my love for you and the immense gratitude I have for you as my Father.  Hopefully I can share a few of the things that I have appreciated and the fun Memories you have helped create for me. But I do know that I strive everyday to express my love and gratitude through the person I have become and to make you proud to be my Dad.

My most abundant memories of you and of our family involve work.  From an early age I was taught the value of work, first from you as the provider.  You sacrificed so much of your time, and of yourself to work and provide for us.  I feel like we as your children were taught something many kids are not, and that is the true value of work.  You taught through work, that we take care of each other, and help the family out.  As much as we all complained about getting up and cleaning, or doing the newspaper route, or just doing chores at home… those experiences are very dear to me, some of my most happy times with you and my siblings.  Here are just a few I can remember:

·        Robert stamping me with the REJECT stamp while cleaning the radiation office (not to mention him shutting the door while I was in the radiation room)

·        Amy, Andy and I locking ourselves out of the ReMax building and walking home together

·        Listening to you and Andy snore when we pulled over to take naps in between jobs

·        Singing with Mel as we threw the paper route. 

It was because of these experiences that we all became friends with each other.  And there’s no better gift than that.  You taught me how important it was to work, that work brought opportunity.  When I wanted things that were extra or luxury, you helped me find a way to do it.  I remember cleaning the pool on river road (that filter was always so gross) to earn enough money to buy the things at Sea World I wanted, or to go to Academy for Girls.

You taught me to give to the Lord. I’ll never forget the yellow box with the blue book.  You taught me to serve when you took the time to buy flowers on Mother’s Day for your female employees at Chapman.  Most importantly you taught me that I was loved.  You took what little time away from work you had to spend it with me.  I remember the many adventures you, Andy and I took.  We loved being with you whether at the zoo or dropping the boy scouts off at camp and then taking our sweet time driving home.  Fondly I look back at my time raising and showing “Star.”  That was something you and I had, just the two of us.  I will never forget that! 

You instilled in me a love for the mountains and for creation.  I know you find the solace and rejuvenation in the wilderness that I do.  I’m so happy that you took us out camping and exploring.  That was the foundation for what has become my passion!

I’m grateful to you for always being willing and able to give me Father’s Blessings.  Those were the best starts to the school year.  And as I’ve gotten older and understood their significance and effect on my life, I have appreciated them even more.  I have many that I have written down what I could remember soon after, and used them to help guide me over and over.  Thank You for showing me the importance of having a worthy priesthood holder in my own home.  Your advice and wisdom, your concern for my happiness and well being will always be appreciated.

Dad, I have always been proud of you.  I have always thought I had a cool Dad and wanted to share you with my friends.  I was so happy to see so many of my friends (especially the boys in Oak City) look up to you and respect you as I did.  I can only wish for my children the happy life that you created for me, and a Father as loving and faithful as you are.

With all my love,

Goose

Letters to my Dad part 1

Dear Dad,

I don't want you to die!  That's the only thing running through my head over and over and I need to tell you that.  I'm so scared to live a life without you.  I don't know how to do it- and I don't want to do it.  Who is going to give me blessings?  Who is going to ask me how my car is running?  If I've check the oil lately?  Who is going to ask how my finances are?  Who is going to call me Goose?  Who is going to drop every thing and drive hundreds of miles to come rescue me?  No one can ever fill the role of Dad for me but you.

You sacrificed so much of your time and money and health to provide for me and the rest of the family.  I can never thank you enough for always supporting and encouraging me to pursue my dreams.

This is not how I thought life would turn out.  I want my husband to know you.  I want my kids to know and have their grandpa to hang out with, to go camping and hiking with.  I'm so sad that is not going to happen now.

I will miss you everyday Dad.  I'll miss your making up and singing songs.  I'll miss your graph paper.  I'll miss you asking how I am.  I'll miss your methodical planning of gardens and room configurations.  I'll miss your fathers blessings you freely gave.  I'll miss you hosing off the patio after a long Saturdays work.  I'll miss you wearing your Santa Hat and being so excited to give gifts to us.  I'll miss hearing your voice, getting your emails and hearing you pray.  I'll miss letters in ALL CAPS.  I'll miss my yearly Valentines poem.

But Dad, I know where to find you...

I can find you in my garden.  Every time I plan, plant, weed and harvest from my own garden I'll find you.  I can find you every time I hike, backpack and camp under the stars.  I'll look up and find you.  I'll find you in a clean bathroom and as I mop floors in a figure 8.  I'll find you on the graph paper I use to make plans.  I'll find you when I collect chicken eggs- or raise a pygmy goat.  I'll find you every time I sing, "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer."  Or when I teach my family "Softly Falls."  I'll find you in the perfect fried egg sandwich or hamburger.

Daddy, I love you.  I always will.  I know we will be with each other again.  I'm so blessed to have you as my Dad.  Thank you for always bearing testimony to me of our Savior and our temple covenants.  I will live daily to make you proud and in a way that allows us to be united as a family once again.

With all my heart, your,
Goose