Dear Dad,
I don't want you to die! That's the only thing running through my head over and over and I need to tell you that. I'm so scared to live a life without you. I don't know how to do it- and I don't want to do it. Who is going to give me blessings? Who is going to ask me how my car is running? If I've check the oil lately? Who is going to ask how my finances are? Who is going to call me Goose? Who is going to drop every thing and drive hundreds of miles to come rescue me? No one can ever fill the role of Dad for me but you.
You sacrificed so much of your time and money and health to provide for me and the rest of the family. I can never thank you enough for always supporting and encouraging me to pursue my dreams.
This is not how I thought life would turn out. I want my husband to know you. I want my kids to know and have their grandpa to hang out with, to go camping and hiking with. I'm so sad that is not going to happen now.
I will miss you everyday Dad. I'll miss your making up and singing songs. I'll miss your graph paper. I'll miss you asking how I am. I'll miss your methodical planning of gardens and room configurations. I'll miss your fathers blessings you freely gave. I'll miss you hosing off the patio after a long Saturdays work. I'll miss you wearing your Santa Hat and being so excited to give gifts to us. I'll miss hearing your voice, getting your emails and hearing you pray. I'll miss letters in ALL CAPS. I'll miss my yearly Valentines poem.
But Dad, I know where to find you...
I can find you in my garden. Every time I plan, plant, weed and harvest from my own garden I'll find you. I can find you every time I hike, backpack and camp under the stars. I'll look up and find you. I'll find you in a clean bathroom and as I mop floors in a figure 8. I'll find you on the graph paper I use to make plans. I'll find you when I collect chicken eggs- or raise a pygmy goat. I'll find you every time I sing, "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer." Or when I teach my family "Softly Falls." I'll find you in the perfect fried egg sandwich or hamburger.
Daddy, I love you. I always will. I know we will be with each other again. I'm so blessed to have you as my Dad. Thank you for always bearing testimony to me of our Savior and our temple covenants. I will live daily to make you proud and in a way that allows us to be united as a family once again.
With all my heart, your,
Goose
Friday, December 30, 2011
ONE
Have you heard of Ali Edwards?
I found her blog way back in 2007 when I had the most boring job in the world. She focuses on telling the stories of our lives. One of her big things is picking a word for the upcoming year to focus on. She likes to let the word find her as she contemplates the new year. You can read about it here. Last year, 2011 was going to be my second year doing this. My first year was 2010... I picked ACHIEVE. Around Thanksgiving 2010 I started to think about 2011, and what I really desired most in my life. I was led to the word ONE. That word seemed funny to me; most people choose words like Health, Happiness, Forgiveness, Movement etc. Actions or Emotions. But ONE kept coming back to me every time I thought about a new word. I tried to think about why ONE.
As I focused on that word I realized it was because what I was desiring the most in my life at that time was to become ONE with Jeremy and together ONE with God. I knew there was something a little off, but nothing that couldn't be fixed if I really worked hard. I started to look up quotes and scripture to help me figure out how to better be ONE as husband and wife. I was gearing up for the best year of marriage yet!
Little did I know how important that word ONE would turn out to be to me. 5 days before Christmas 2010, I learned why I felt something was a little off between Jeremy and I. At that moment, I still felt like we could work together and become ONE. That was my sincere desire and intention. As 2011 started, my story to be told changed from becoming ONE with Jeremy and God to becoming ONE... a single individual again, desperately trying to be ONE with God still.
It's amazing to me that a single word can have so much impact. As the days leading up to my divorce marched on, I repeated over and over to myself...
"Get up ONE more time"
"You can make in through ONE more day"
"ONE more step"
"ONE more decision"
"ONE day you'll be okay, just keep going"
As I ran my 1/2 marathon, I chanted "ONE foot in front of the other"
While I face the death of my Father I find myself saying Thank You to Heavenly Father for ONE more day with him. I got to say, "Good Night, Daddy. I love you." ONE more time tonight.
The impact of a single word can never be overstated. It pulled me through some dark, rough days this year and is still doing so these last few days or so with my Dad.
My story this year wasn't what I thought it was going to be, and it's okay because I'm a whole, complete individual again. I'm:
I found her blog way back in 2007 when I had the most boring job in the world. She focuses on telling the stories of our lives. One of her big things is picking a word for the upcoming year to focus on. She likes to let the word find her as she contemplates the new year. You can read about it here. Last year, 2011 was going to be my second year doing this. My first year was 2010... I picked ACHIEVE. Around Thanksgiving 2010 I started to think about 2011, and what I really desired most in my life. I was led to the word ONE. That word seemed funny to me; most people choose words like Health, Happiness, Forgiveness, Movement etc. Actions or Emotions. But ONE kept coming back to me every time I thought about a new word. I tried to think about why ONE.
As I focused on that word I realized it was because what I was desiring the most in my life at that time was to become ONE with Jeremy and together ONE with God. I knew there was something a little off, but nothing that couldn't be fixed if I really worked hard. I started to look up quotes and scripture to help me figure out how to better be ONE as husband and wife. I was gearing up for the best year of marriage yet!
Little did I know how important that word ONE would turn out to be to me. 5 days before Christmas 2010, I learned why I felt something was a little off between Jeremy and I. At that moment, I still felt like we could work together and become ONE. That was my sincere desire and intention. As 2011 started, my story to be told changed from becoming ONE with Jeremy and God to becoming ONE... a single individual again, desperately trying to be ONE with God still.
It's amazing to me that a single word can have so much impact. As the days leading up to my divorce marched on, I repeated over and over to myself...
"Get up ONE more time"
"You can make in through ONE more day"
"ONE more step"
"ONE more decision"
"ONE day you'll be okay, just keep going"
As I ran my 1/2 marathon, I chanted "ONE foot in front of the other"
While I face the death of my Father I find myself saying Thank You to Heavenly Father for ONE more day with him. I got to say, "Good Night, Daddy. I love you." ONE more time tonight.
The impact of a single word can never be overstated. It pulled me through some dark, rough days this year and is still doing so these last few days or so with my Dad.
My story this year wasn't what I thought it was going to be, and it's okay because I'm a whole, complete individual again. I'm:
ONE
and now
I'm going to focus on being
OPEN
Monday, December 26, 2011
Anchor
Sometimes I don't post because I feel like if I do you will think I'm bi-polar. One week I'm really good, the next I'm not so much. As I've been contemplating that phenomena in my life I realized that I feel like my emotions as of late are pure reaction to outside circumstances. I've never really felt like that before. I'm a visual person, so when I can actually visual how I'm feeling it makes more sense to me. After expressing my thoughts to Joie, and feeling okay about my emotions (because Joie is good at that), I came up with this analogy...
I'm a weather buoy that has snapped the chain to it's anchor and I'm being driven to and fro by the waves and currents.
Everything makes more sense to me when I speak about the ocean... weird.
So the next question is what is going to keep me from being so tossed around. I know what my anchor is- Christ and His Gospel- but what am I going to build my new chain with to make sure it doesn't snap, or stretch too much? What do you do to regulate your emotions and not feel so tossed about by the circumstances of life?
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Lately and Currently
I can't believe it's been just over a month since I last posted. Time flies.
Lately...
+ Taking as many self portraits with my Dad as I can
+ I enjoyed my first Thanksgiving home in over 6 years. Including a marathon game of charades and a falconer (aka. my nephew Sawyer and his stuffed angry bird). Loved being with my family.
+ Nightly games of Settlers of Cattan with Andy and Alina... and winning the majority of them!
+ Making cupcakes for my sister-in-law, Alina's, baby shower. She's having the first granddaughter. It's a big deal!
+ Playing with Danny as much as possible... today he's pretending to be the parrot, I'm pretending to be the pirate
+ Finished the semester... straight A's so far... not all grades have been posted yet
+ Decorated Mom and Dad's new place for Christmas
+ Zoo lights with the family
Currently...
+ Packing up even more of my life and moving it into the family storage unit, a.k.a. Andy's Basement. I'm moving up to my parent's apartment in Salt Lake City. It's a small two bedroom, with not much space for my stuff. The name of the game is minimalism for the next few months while I live there and do my student teaching.
+ Trying to notice the beauty in this frozen place... like this giant full moon before the sunset.
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