Lunch Date

So here's a picture of my Lunch Date.  We have lunch everyday together.  I sit on a log and eat my sandwich (made with my homemade bread) and he laps his lunch out of the feeder. Laps, not sucks, because humming birds don't suck up nectar, their reallllllllly long tongue laps it up! (There's your natural history lesson for the day.)

He's more than a lunch date.  He visits multiple times a day.  If he's not at the window, I know where his favorite perch spots are.  And I know he's somewhere nearby when I here is little high pitched buzz flying around.

This is a Black Chinned Humming Bird.  He's quite a bully actually.  I used to have a Broad Tailed, or Caliope Humming Bird stopping by too, but he now chases them off.  I might have to add a few more feeders for all of them.

This first week of camp is almost over.  Time sure flies by fast.  I got to actually go play a game with the kids during some down time.  That was fun.  I'll have to try doing that more often!

My Summer Home

Last Thursday I stayed for the first night in my "Summer Home" (thanks for the name idea, Alicia!).  I love it.  I love Ogden Valley, it's beautiful! 

My place was part of my job offer.  It's a great space, and much more than I'll ever use.  So if you want to come visit, please do.  I'll only be here until August 9th and I have two extra bedrooms and bathrooms.

I have to admit that I'm liking having my own "house" again.  Playing house is fun.  I made bread last night for the first time since December; it felt awesome.  Creating is definitely a divine quality we all have and brings me so much joy. 

Here's a picture of my new office.  Thankfully it's not covered in snow right now.  I sit at my desk working on curriculum and plans for the coming weeks with views in every direction.  Today my boss walked in and caught me sitting at my desk looking out my binoculars toward the humming bird feeder.  Every time the little bird shows up and I pick up my binoculars it flies away.  So I decided to sit there for awhile with them already up and hope the bird came back.  I'm still working on it's name, I'm sure I'll get it ID'd tomorrow.

I'm loving my job so far.  It's so fun to help make this camp happen.  I've usually been on the teaching end of these programs, but to be the Director is a whole new experience.  One I've always wanted.  I really needed to take this job.  It means a lot to me both personally and professionally.  It's awesome.  I do miss actually teaching the kids, but I love the experiences I actually have with them.  For instance I made the walk up the road to the bathroom, but I didn't know quite where it was.  When I finally spotted it, I realized I had to bushwhack my way to it since I took a wrong turn.  So I was approaching thru the bushes and got to over hear a boy exclaim, "This is the best day of my life!"  Can't beat that for job satisfaction!  I just hope I can help facilitate experiences that make at least one kid exclaim that each day!

Keep Going... You'll get there!

Loved this article my Mom shared with me today.

http://www.dailygood.org/view.php?sid=46

Cauterized

The past 5 weeks I felt like I was bleeding out.  Not real blood.  Just my emotions, my heart and mind.  As the final court day approached I found myself starting to doubt.  All the "what ifs," "should of's," "could of's," and "wishes" flooded my mind constantly.  I never felt like my mind could fully leave it alone.

I had break downs once a day.  Sometimes I could control it; cry for a designated period of time and then move on with my day.  But most of the time I silently wept in the private moments I had.  I have now mastered the art of crying on my way to someplace and then showing up not looking like I've been crying. As long as no one asked me anything personal like, "How was your day?" or "What did you do today?"  I'd be fine.  I felt myself loosing my will, my resolve, any happiness I clung to... Loosing ME.

I wasn't fooling anyone.  I believe my parents saw right through it all.  My Dad doesn't speak much these days, but I'll never forget him walking into the kitchen one night.  He looked straight at me and stared for a moment.  I asked if he was okay and he said, "Yeah.  I'm just worried about you." To which I gave my standard answer, "I'm okay."  He left, I cried.  But the next Sunday without me knowing, he asked the bishop for some counseling recommendations.

My Mom, the heart of our family, has spent countless hours listening to me rehash my same concerns over and over.  She has held me as I sobbed.  And has born testimony over and over about families, the Holy Ghost, Heavenly Fathers love for me, and our Saviors atonement. Plus there is nothing more powerful in a child's life than to hear a heartfelt, faith filled prayer from a parent.

I slowly bled all the way up to court and through court and home to my sisters' place after court.

The next morning I met up with many of my good friends in Washington for a brunch.  I showed up a bit early, hoping to have a few minutes of conversation with A and J.  J likened the experience of the final court date to being cauterized.  I didn't understand fully what he meant, but knew of that feeling.

In high school the doctors ordered my tonsils to be removed.  They told me it would take at least a week to recover.  As a talkative, social high school student, that was like a death sentence.  Removal of tonsils is a pretty quick procedure.  They snip off the tonsil and then sear your blood vessels shut (cauterize) so you don't bleed too much.  Although I wasn't awake while being cauterized, the pain that persisted in my throat after was unbearable.  However, I didn't die.  I was even talking by Friday and begging to go to school. 

So the final court day was like being cauterized.  The next 3 days were unbearable.  The most pain and anguish I have ever felt.  However, I'm still alive.  The slow bleeding has stopped. Sunday night, through an experience I will never forget, my life changed.

Nights

Nights have been really hard for me lately.  I'm not sure why.  Previously, I would usually fall asleep around 10 each night, no matter where I'm at (including movie theaters).  I've found myself stalling, and stalling.  I don't know why, but a few things come to mind:

• I'll be all by myself all night.  It's not unheard of.  Often Jeremy would stay up all night.  But I guess it's just knowing for sure now.
• If I go to bed, that means I have to face another day.  And sometimes that thought keeps me from getting into my bed.
• Nights were Jeremy's favorite time of day.  You would think that would make me want to jump right into bed and sleep it away.  But more often than not, I sit thinking about him, hoping he might reach out and send a message my way.

It's probably the 2nd one that causes me to stall the most.  But some how the mornings come, I get up and face the day, and then the day closes.  I'm sure at some point, I'm going to look back and wonder what happened during these days.  For now I'm doing what I can to make it through each day.  And I know full well the only way I'm getting through them is because the Savior is helping me!

Roller Coaster

It's been awhile since I wrote anything here or in my journal.  Writing is funny, kind of like time.  Depending on the view at the moment I find writing helpful and therapeutic... or definitive and concrete (as in if I write it down, I can't change my mind later).  Sort of like time.  I can think, "Wow, it's only been 4 years since I finished grad school." ... or "It seems like forever ago I was in grad school."  My thinking just depends on my view that day.  But isn't that how all of life is.

I've been avoiding writing because I didn't want to be the "Debbie Downer."  But then I realized the other day... my life is the ultimate roller coaster.  Some days are good, some days are hard.  Some parts of the day are good some parts aren't so great.  And what fun is a roller coaster if there are no ups and downs?  I really can't think of one.  I love roller coasters.  Always have.  Always will. 

Granted, I'd like my life to be more like riding the Dumbo Ride at Disneyland rather than Montezuma's Revenge (probably because I peed my pants the first time I went on that ride).  However, if we ever go to an amusement park together I'd so rather ride the fast, crazy ones.  I guess my comparison is falling apart here.  I'm just trying to say; I've strapped myself in, acknowledged and accepted that this is the ride I'm on currently and am trying my best to experience both the ups and the downs.

Here's what's been UP this week:

• Taught my first primary class (of 4 years old).  Can kids be any more fun?  And teaching the gospel basics is awesome.  Today we learned: Eating good food helps us to feel Happy and Healthy! 
• Ran my first race of the year with Valerie and her in-laws (my pseudo family).  I have lots of room to improve... and if I'm going to run a half marathon in August, I better get serious.
• Watched a girls soccer game after the race.  Loved it.  I miss playing, but don't miss the competitive drama.
• Planted more in the garden, and some seeds are starting to pop up.
• The sun came out.
• Mike, my brother, cleaned out my window well (all the window wells actually).
• Was accepted back into BYU for the Fall to pursue my teaching credential.  This time next year I'll be done.  It was odd to walk on campus and think, "Hey maybe I'll run into someone I know."  and then look around a realize that everyone there is about 10 years younger than I am.

Lost

Two weeks ago I felt like I was lost.  I didn't know what I was going to do, or where my life was headed.  I didn't even feel like I knew where on the path of life I was so that I could try and plot a course to move forward.  It's been frustrating.  But all of this was swallowed up with a more pressing concern in my life; my Dad.

This past week my life has been consumed with helping my Mom and Dad.  There is something to be said for loosing yourself while serving others.  I have thought little (compared to the weeks prior) of my personal woes.  And it's been great.  We're taught in Matthew 10:39 that "he who loseth his life for my sake shall find it."  I really am grateful to be home with my parents right now.  I'm grateful I can be of service to them, especially after all the service they've given me for the past 30 years.  I'm trying to ask in my morning prayers for opportunities to serve, because then I will be found!

The story of my Dad's fight against "the Deathstar" (or his tumor) is chronicled here: www.davidstumor.blogspot.com